Do you ever feel like the whole world is slowly crashing down on you? Like you're drowning? The water just rising higher and higher, and you're fighting with every ounce of strength just to keep your head above the water? That's me tonight. Hell, that's me a lot of nights.
Some nights I wonder where God is, what He's doing, if He's even paying attention. Some nights I want to just give up, to stop everything and rest. Some nights...
Some nights I really have to remind myself that God is still on his throne.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter
Today was Abby's first Easter. We were able to spend the weekend with Matthew's two younger sisters, and it was such a blessing. I know Abigail enjoyed having her aunts here to celebrate with her.
We woke up in the morning (Abby Ren woke both daddy and I up at 5:45) and cuddled in bed for a while. Mostly because Cara and Amy were sleeping on the couches in the living room... but it was still nice. Then we made coffee and cinnamon rolls, showered, and got all dressed up for church. Abby "opened" her Easter baskets (there was one from mommy and daddy, and another from grandma and grandpa Collins). She really liked all the snacks!
Then it was off to church. I really enjoyed it. I always do. Our pastor is so honest and down-to-earth. You really feel like he's just another guy in the world; similar struggles, similar walk, that sort of thing. A lot of people gave their life to Christ. It was great to see.
Other than that we hung out at the house for a little bit... Abby took a long nap this afternoon, and then we went for a nice walk around the park. It was sunny and warm and breezy. Abigail loved it. She's just like her dad; always enjoys being outdoors. She really likes sitting in her stroller too (since she's big enough to be in it without her carseat).
I am just reminded of how blessed I am. A great, loving husband. A beautiful, happy daughter. A giving, sacrificing, loving, perfect Savior. Who not only died for my sins, but beat death and is victorious over all sin. What an amazing life I lead!
We woke up in the morning (Abby Ren woke both daddy and I up at 5:45) and cuddled in bed for a while. Mostly because Cara and Amy were sleeping on the couches in the living room... but it was still nice. Then we made coffee and cinnamon rolls, showered, and got all dressed up for church. Abby "opened" her Easter baskets (there was one from mommy and daddy, and another from grandma and grandpa Collins). She really liked all the snacks!
Then it was off to church. I really enjoyed it. I always do. Our pastor is so honest and down-to-earth. You really feel like he's just another guy in the world; similar struggles, similar walk, that sort of thing. A lot of people gave their life to Christ. It was great to see.
Other than that we hung out at the house for a little bit... Abby took a long nap this afternoon, and then we went for a nice walk around the park. It was sunny and warm and breezy. Abigail loved it. She's just like her dad; always enjoys being outdoors. She really likes sitting in her stroller too (since she's big enough to be in it without her carseat).
I am just reminded of how blessed I am. A great, loving husband. A beautiful, happy daughter. A giving, sacrificing, loving, perfect Savior. Who not only died for my sins, but beat death and is victorious over all sin. What an amazing life I lead!
Monday, April 18, 2011
What To Do... Where To Go...
Some days I feel like all I have are options, and no leader to show me which to choose. Abby Ren is sleeping (without a fight, might I add!) so I thought I'd sit down and share my feelings. It may be long, so settle in!
I miss working. Hands down. I resent my husband because he gets to get out every day and go to work. And he hates it. But I miss it. I love my daughter to death, she's amazing and perfect and one of the biggest blessings in my life. But honestly, I feel short-changed. I feel like I got the short end of the stick, because I have to stay home now. I mean, part of me wants to, for her. I need to. Its the best thing for my daughter, and I know that. But I still feel that tug, that pull that tells me I would rather be working. And I wonder constantly if its God or the other side. Am I supposed to be working, and I'm too stubborn to listen? Or is Satan blocking the bigger picture from my view?
Maybe I'm being selfish... I hate all the questions, I hate not knowing.
I miss working. Hands down. I resent my husband because he gets to get out every day and go to work. And he hates it. But I miss it. I love my daughter to death, she's amazing and perfect and one of the biggest blessings in my life. But honestly, I feel short-changed. I feel like I got the short end of the stick, because I have to stay home now. I mean, part of me wants to, for her. I need to. Its the best thing for my daughter, and I know that. But I still feel that tug, that pull that tells me I would rather be working. And I wonder constantly if its God or the other side. Am I supposed to be working, and I'm too stubborn to listen? Or is Satan blocking the bigger picture from my view?
Maybe I'm being selfish... I hate all the questions, I hate not knowing.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Oh the Turmoil
No matter what happens, God is on His throne. He cares about each bird that falls, he knows every hair on my head, and I know He will keep us safe.
I remind myself of this as we go through a rough patch. Our next paycheck will be cut in half, and it may be a while until we get another one... I am worried. I am worried sick. We have bills, and mouths to feed. What about Abigail? I promised her a highchair after the 15th...
I'm mad. I'm mad at the government. Here we are, busting our butts and sacrificing for our country. We get paid crap anyway. My husband risks his life for these high-and-mighty men up there arguing over Planned Parenthood. But do they care? Nope. As long as they get their money and things go their way, that's all that matters. Whatever sacrifices other "normal" people have to make, well, that's their own damn problem I guess.
Where's the justice?
There is a God. Somewhere, up there, He is watching all this. And we are in His hands. This is in His hands.
I remind myself of this as we go through a rough patch. Our next paycheck will be cut in half, and it may be a while until we get another one... I am worried. I am worried sick. We have bills, and mouths to feed. What about Abigail? I promised her a highchair after the 15th...
I'm mad. I'm mad at the government. Here we are, busting our butts and sacrificing for our country. We get paid crap anyway. My husband risks his life for these high-and-mighty men up there arguing over Planned Parenthood. But do they care? Nope. As long as they get their money and things go their way, that's all that matters. Whatever sacrifices other "normal" people have to make, well, that's their own damn problem I guess.
Where's the justice?
There is a God. Somewhere, up there, He is watching all this. And we are in His hands. This is in His hands.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Thank-You God
After nearly two years of living in this state, I am finally beginning to make friends. There's a playgroup on base every Wednesday morning that Abby and I go to. There are four or five other babies her age, which is great. And so many amazing, supportive moms! I was so worried they would all be crazy. So far they are not! Most of the women I met before this were all cheating on their husbands during deployments, partying, having keggers, doing stuff that I don't really do. At all. Ever. So to finally see that there are normal, stable people in the Air Force is very refreshing. I mean, some of these women have been married to the same man for 20 years! Did you now the divorce rate in the Air Force is 90%? Yeah. Even worse? The divorce rate for my husbands job is 98%. We have a 2% chance of making it. How discouraging, right? Especially when you watch couple after couple after couple split only two or three years in. It sucks!
So to finally meet women who are dedicated to their husbands, their families, and the Air Force, is amazing. Its refreshing and encouraging. To know I'm not the anomaly. There are women who are faithful to their spouse, who pour their heart and soul into their children. Women who stay at home, who cloth diaper, who budget well. Women like me. There are other people out there like me!
Sigh. I have friends. Ok, maybe not *yet* but its headed that direction. And Abigail will have friends. That's so important, I want her to socialize. Alright, its freezing so I'll go turn up the heat and put the dishes away. Thanks for my crazy rant!
So to finally meet women who are dedicated to their husbands, their families, and the Air Force, is amazing. Its refreshing and encouraging. To know I'm not the anomaly. There are women who are faithful to their spouse, who pour their heart and soul into their children. Women who stay at home, who cloth diaper, who budget well. Women like me. There are other people out there like me!
Sigh. I have friends. Ok, maybe not *yet* but its headed that direction. And Abigail will have friends. That's so important, I want her to socialize. Alright, its freezing so I'll go turn up the heat and put the dishes away. Thanks for my crazy rant!
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