All that Parenting Brings

God has really layed a few things on my heart this week.  I applied for a job at Starbucks that I really wanted, and honestly thought I would get.  And I didn't.  And it hurt.  I was really upset about it.  Probably more upset than I should have been.  I blame it on the pregnancy.

Anyway, I really was mad at God.  Why would He put all that hope in me, just to have it crushed?  Why would He send me in for an interview, if I wasn't going to get the job?  And I realized something as I was sobbing under the covers at two in the afternoon.  I'm finding my identity in all the wrong things.  Before I had Abigail I found who I was in my job; a supervisor at Starbucks.  After I had Abigail I found who I was by being an Air Force wife and a mom.  I guess having both a career and the military stripped of me has really made me second guess myself.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What good am I doing?

Sound too deep and philisophical?  God just really spoke to me, He told me that my identity is not in Him anymore.  And shouldn't it be?  Shouldn't I say, when asked who I am, that I am a Child of God first?  Well, I don't.  When someone asks me who I am I tell them I am a wife and a mother, which sounds so insignificant and boring.  That's how exactly how I feel most days; insignificant and boring.  And then I feel guilty, because that makes my family sound insignificant to me, which they aren't.  But feeling this way makes me feel guilt too.

So in the midst of asking God who I am last night, I really felt His pressence, asking me who has impacted my life the most?  My mom is the answer, hands down.  My stay-at-home, homeschooling, cooking-dinner-every-night, devoted-to-her-family, mom.  She's always loved the Lord with everything in her.  She's pushed herself out of comfort zones, put aside her own personal desires and dreams, and just woke up each morning wanting to serve her children and husband.  She was always there.  When I needed to talk, when I had a question, when my math was too hard... And I remember her in the kitchen a lot.  In my mind, my mom is successful; without fame, without a career, without millions of dollars.  She raised all three children right, they all graduated with great grades, they all follow the Lord, and they're all following in her footsteps one way or another.  How is that not success?

So I guess, that's my destiny too.  Or something like it.  Being a parent is important, it is changing lives (albeit on a smaller level), and its why I'm here.  To be a good, devoted wife, who loves and supports.  Someone who keeps the house clean and the food made and the laundry done.  To be a good mom, who keeps things fun and educational and safe.  Maybe I'm not actually losing myself, maybe my passions and goals have just changed over the past two years.  Maybe that's okay.

Civilians

Its amazing how much can change in a few short weeks.  Its been a little over a month since I last posted, and part of me doesn't even feel like the same person.  So where do I begin?

Matthew has a job.  An amazing job, with awesome men.  He comes home from work in a good mood, he's not stressed or angry or bitter anymore.  He's with men that understand what the military has done to us and to him.  They are Christians, and they have really embraced and encouraged him.

We have a house.  It is wonderful and perfect.  It is the size we need, in a great location, and it has an awesome backyard that the dogs (and Abby) love!  Its right across from the college, so I see my little sister quite a bit.  Plus, all the good places to eat are within walking distance (including frozen yogurt!)

I'm still pregnant.  I had a doctors appointment last week, and everything looks good so far.  We find out next month whether this little one is a boy or a girl.  I still am convinced its a girl, and Matthew is dead set that it's a boy.  We'll have a gender-reveal party with family and some close friends, just to celebrate.  We don't need or want anything from them, except to rejoice in another little miracle.

All in all, I would say that we are great.  I laugh at myself a lot, because we fought God against coming home and against leaving the military.  And here we are, happier than we've ever been!  Being a civilian is like getting your freedom back.  Its like we're able to finally live our lives without some moron breathing down our necks.  I don't have to worry about getting leave for a weekend to go to Denver, even though he already has those days off.  I don't have to worry about his "bad news" that he comes home with (because he doesn't come home with any!), I don't have to stress about money for another three years until his next stripe, I don't have to worry about deployments or IEDs or PTSD or stupid paperwork.  Its freedom.  And as any good American knows, with freedom comes happiness.

So we're happy.  We're healthy.  We're doing better than we ever have before, and its all thanks to our Lord, who didn't listen when we begged to stay in the Air Force.