Dear Baby

Dear Baby,
Please tell me how you are doing in there.
Tell me if you have a plan yet, for coming out.
Let me know if there's anything I can do,
Any encouragement I can give.

Dear Baby.
Please stop kicking me in my side,
Please get out of ribs.
Please don't head-butt my privates anymore.
Please, please, please, come out soon!

Dear Baby,
Please stop making me sick.
Please stop pushing against my bladder.
Please give me a sign that you're almost done baking.
And please, please don't get too big!

Dear Baby,
We love you so much!
We are so excited to finally meet you.
To call you Abigail or Ephraim,
and to hug and kiss you lots.

Dear Baby,
We want you very, very healthy.
We don't want you in NICU,
or to stay at the hospital when we go home.
But we don't want you in my tummy forever either!

Dear Baby,
I'll give you a few more weeks,
I'll let you cook a little bit longer.
But you need to understand my anxiety,
Try to grasp how uncomfortable I am.

35 weeks down, 5 more to go

Two weeks until I'm considered full term.
Thank God!
These stupid pills make me sooo sick, and I just can feel my body preparing for labor. I'm getting all the symptoms that are listed for "pre labor". Of course, it could still be weeks before I give birth, but its nice to know that my body is doing something.

In other news, we finished the changing table, finally! I need to go down there and vacuum the floor and pick up the little odds-and-ends of things that don't have a place yet. And I think I want to rearrange the furniture, but these pills are draining my energy. They make me nauseous, give me headaches, and put me to sleep. Oh, and did I mention that they give you a metal-taste in your mouth? Yeah. Its wonderful, tastes like I'm drinking water from a tin can.

Five weeks... maybe only two.

I started making a play mat for the baby. Scratch that, I started sewing a play mat by hand. That's how bored I am. I don't have a sewing machine, and it feels good to sit on the couch and focus on something other than TV once in a while. Its actually pretty relaxing, and rewarding! I'm going to get the batting and start on the underside tomorrow. I think it'll turn out alright (although I bought a package of different cotton fabrics, and one of them has a butterfly print; so I hope we have a girl now).

I'm going to be a mom...

In six weeks or less I will be a parent, a mother. I'll finally be holding this little baby in my arms. I'll finally know if its a boy or a girl.

In three weeks I'll be considered full-term. I could really go anytime after that, and the baby would have very little health problems, if any. Doctor's only concern is lung development (not specifically for our baby, just in general lungs take the longest to develop).

Its a little hard to come to terms with the fact that pretty soon we'll actually be using all the new "stuff" in our house. We have constant reminders that I'm pregnant (I mean, besides my emotional meltdowns and constant complaining). There's a pack n play in our living room, a bassinet in our bedroom, baby clothes have all been washed and folded and organized (and reorganized, and reorganized). There's a whole shelf of baby bottles and breast milk storage containers in a cupboard in the kitchen, and baby books on the bookshelf. Some of this stuff has been here for a while, some of it we've grown used to seeing. But its all finally becoming real, like everything is slowly coming into focus.

I could, theoretically, have a baby any day now. God willing, it will wait at least four more weeks. I'm so done being pregnant, done being kicked in the ribs and jabbed in the sides and punched in the hoo-ha. I'm finished with the back pain, painful Braxton Hicks, and the constant itching. There are so many symptoms that just drive me nuts on a day-to-day basis, that I can't even list them all here. But as tired as I am of all of this, I'm still trying to enjoy it. I know that pretty soon it won't just be Matthew and I (and our two amazing dogs). Everything will change, our lifestyle will be turned upside-down. And as much as my body wants this baby out, I want it to be as healthy as humanly possible before it enters this world. I refuse to be selfish. I want to be a good mom. If that means suffering all forty long weeks, then so be it.

Did I mention I'm going to be a mom?

33 weeks 2 days

Had a doctors appointment today. Nothing exciting, really... I'm measuring exactly on schedule, and baby's heartbeat is normal. I go back in two weeks and get my Strep B test, and then its every week after that.

I'm praying for time to pass quickly. I'm miserable now, to be honest. I cannot for the life of me get comfortable. If I stand up my ankles hurt, if I sit down the baby is up in my ribs, if I lay down I can't breathe from the pressure and my acid reflux acts up. I don't seem to have any appetite these past few days; I just feel light headed and tired all the time. I'm guzzling water to help, but so far no progress. I can't sleep at night, and the sleep that I do get is a restless type.

Seven weeks, I have seven weeks left. Four weeks until I'm considered "full term". I guess I'm in a complaining mood today... I've done all the organizing and nesting that I can do for now; at least until that part comes in so we can finish the changing table. I'm restless. I'm tired of being pregnant, and yet the end is in sight. Close, but so far away...

Prayers would be appreciated right now, I'm going to try and get comfortable on the couch now. :/ Wish me luck...

an update

I haven't blogged in, what, two weeks? It feels like months... but I'm still pregnant, so I know that's not the case. We have a little bit less than 8 weeks left of all this, by the way. Finally, I feel prepared. Well, as prepared as I can feel. My baby shower went so well; it was fun and relaxing and I now have almost everything I need. I decided to look over how much we've spent for the baby (just Matthew and I) and its around $500. Can you believe that?
$350 for the car seat/stroller combo
$30 for the diaper bag
$40 (ish) on baby clothes
$20 for the moby wrap
$10 for the boppy pillow

The crib and mattress were gifts from Matthew's parents.
The changing table, rocker, and bedding set were all gifts from my parents.
We had an extra dresser already.
The bassinet was given to us by Matthew's older brother, Josh.
The pack n' play was given to us by one of Matthew's supervisors.
We have a swing, bouncer and walker all coming used from my parents.
And another used papasan swing from my sister.
And actually, I think a THIRD swing from Matthew's parents.
My grandparents said they were getting us the highchair.
We were given diapers, books, clothes, blankets and towels from the baby shower. In addition to soaps, lotions, diaper cream, bottles, nipples, and toys galore. We are really so incredibly blessed.
The list of stuff we still need? I told you, I'm nesting, right? Because I am. I can now see everything we need, everything I need to clean and organize and redo before the baby arrives!
Sleep positioner
Mirror for the car
Water-proof mattress pad
Changing table covers/sheets
Breast pump
Bumbo seat (maybe that's a luxury)
Pacifiers (we didn't get any at the shower!)
Booties (I only have two pairs)
Hats (I only have one; that I made)
Burp cloths/spit up cloths (I think we got one package)
Bookcase

All things considered, those are minor things. Some of them we don't even really NEED. I think we'll end up spending another $150-$200 before the baby actually gets here. But I refuse to buy anything off that list until September. We pay our car insurance every six months, and it happens to be due at the end of August. Lovely, how those things happen.

In other news (now that I'm done making lists!) we used our WIC checks for the first time today. They are letting me get 2 1/2 gallons of soy milk every month. There's no WAY I can use that much, its crazy! Well, I think I'll start baking and cooking with the soy milk, so that the whole milk is JUST for Matthew to use as he wants. We are so blessed, God has been so good to us. Being on WIC is going to really save us in the long run, I had no idea.

I just can't seem to look at my life without feeling an overwhelming amount of thankfulness anymore. Being back in Grand Junction really gave me a lot of peace. God has us placed in Rapid City for a reason, and as much as I miss my family and friends, I know now without a doubt that we are not meant to be living in the Valley right now. I NEED to raise my children away from the family, I need to do this on my own. I've always been independent, and actually so has Matthew. I just know that what's best for us, and for this baby, is that we start this family with just us. I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone and really invest in this church, really invest in relationships other than my family. I need to build up a support system, its just something I have to learn.

With that being said, I am so incredibly thankful that I have the family that I was given. My mom is more than willing to come up here (and my sisters and dad too) and help me with anything and everything. And Matthew's parents have already offered to come up and help and meet the little one a few weeks after he/she arrives. I just know that if I ever need anything, there are so many people in my life that are so willing to do what they can.

Now we just continue to pray for a healthy and easy pregnancy. My next appointment is on the 12th, a Thursday. It'll be good to go in and double-check everything. I know I've only missed one appointment (while we were on vacation) but I just would like to hear the doctor say everything still looks perfect.

Alright, I'm off to crochet and watch Top Gear with my husband. We are so glad to be home, and have a few days to unwind. He's still being patient and kind, and encouraging. He takes such good care of me!

One more post before vacation!

So here we are, thirty-weeks along; three-fourths of the way through the pregnancy. I'm emotional about it all; I've had an easy, fairly enjoyable pregnancy. I know that its ending, and I'm entering into another stage of my life, into a place I know very little about. I feel unprepared, young, naive, and blessed. This is my life. I married my high school sweetheart at eighteen, and become a military spouse. And I'll have a beautiful little baby girl (or boy) just shortly after turning twenty. I never would have guessed, five years ago, that I would be here. I always pictured my life ending differently... not in South Dakota, for one. But I don't regret one single decision I've made. Every step I took got me here, got me next to the greatest husband I could have asked for, and with the most amazing child. Oh, I'm scared out of my mind, but I feel such a sense of blessing that I can't focus on my fear.

I've been thinking a lot about actually giving birth. I ignored it for a long time, too afraid to even focus on the pain, the unknown. I'm a planner; I like to know what's going on at every second, what's coming next, and I like to be in control. None of that is an option. What if the baby doesn't turn? What if the baby doesn't drop into the birth canal? What if the cord gets wrapped around his or her neck? What if I have to a c-section? What if I don't get to the hospital in time? What if the epidural doesn't work? There are SO many factors, so many things that could go wrong or change "plans". And I don't even have plans! I think I would like to TRY a natural birth, without pain medication. But who knows? I've never felt labor pains. I could go into labor and demand an epidural. I could have such a short labor period, and fairly easy contractions that I don't NEED anything. But who knows, really? God. Just God. At my next doctor's appointment (in two weeks) I'm going to talk to him about everything and see what he says. I know I at least want to hold off on taking an epidural, but I don't think I can firmly stand on one side or the other.

For the record, I'm not worried about an epidural harming the baby (or me). But it has been known to slow down labor, and you can only push in one position if you have an epidural (which is not the ideal way to push). Plus, like I said before, I hate not being in control (what can I say? I am my mother). I hate the feeling of being numb, because I'm not in control, I don't feel like I'm in control. That feeling really, honestly scares me. But again, who knows? I don't have a high pain tolerance either, so I could go into labor and say "screw it, make the pain stop". Or maybe the epidural won't even work on me... See, so many "what-if's". I don't want to stress about it, because ultimately God is in control and I trust Him to keep me and baby safe. I just wish I knew how the heck this infant is coming out, or when!

I'll be honest, I'm a little worried I'll go into pre-term labor while at home on vacation. Oh gosh, that would just be awful! We're bringing both our dogs in the backseat of our car. Where would we even put the baby?! We wouldn't even have the car seat with us... And if the baby is born this early he or she will probably be in the NICU for a good week. What if we have to extend our vacation? See, this is why I don't think. I worry. I am my mother.

And then I take a deep breath and remind myself that God is still on His throne. I tell myself that He knows when each sparrow falls; so how much more does He know my problems? He's got this whole pregnancy in His hands, protecting both me and baby. I believe with everything in me that God has perfect timing in all things, and that everything He does works out for the best. I stand firm in that, and grasp to those facts when I become fearful and weak. I'm out of my league here, a little fish in an awfully big pond. I have no idea what I'm doing, this is so new to me, my body is reacting in ways I never expected. And still, God is in control. Even when I am not, He still has His hand on my life and my pregnancy.

One last thought before I go vacuum the living room. I put the bassinet by my side of the bed (because that's where it fits) and every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I open my eyes an see it sitting there. It warms my heart. I don't feel overwhelmed or scared, I just feel so excited and loved and peaceful. Ok, so part of it may be because I'm half asleep... But I love rolling over and looking at the tiny bed and thinking "my little girl will be in there soon, sleeping soundly". Or boy. It could be a boy. :) I'm off now!

our great adventure and the hospital

Ok, in order for me to tell this story I need to rewind back to Wednesday. I had really severe cramping/shooting pains "down there" and I couldn't find relief for 4-5 hours. Finally, after about half an hour in a hot bath, the pain went down to more of a dull ache. Well, the baby was pretty lazy after that and I didn't feel it moving around too much. I can't remember though, my focus was on the pain not on how often Baby jabbed me. I do remember feeling it kick me a few times "down there" because it made the pain worse, and at some point it wedged itself up into my ribs and caused more discomfort.

So Wednesday came and went... Thursday morning I woke up as Matthew was leaving for work and the baby kicked me softly a couple times. I distinctly remember this because when I felt the kicks I thought "I haven't really felt that too much lately". I went back to sleep and woke up about an hour later, and then decided to start my day. I cleaned the bathroom, crocheted a little bit and wrote. Matthew came home at noon for lunch and I felt the baby kick once while he was here, and that was it. So by the time my husband got home from work I was concerned, four-thirty hit and I'd only felt Baby kick twice. Matthew told me we'd go get dinner and see if eating helped. Well we had errands to run so we didn't end up eating until about 7. I waited two hours, still no movement. Now by this time I'm really scared. Earlier in the week someone had a still birth because the baby had wrapped the umbilical cord around its neck and died. She wouldn't have gone in if she hadn't noticed a decrease in movement.

So since my doctors office was closed, I had to call Labor and Delivery. I told the very nice nurse on the phone my symptoms and she said I should come in so they can monitor everything. Sometimes in preterm labor women don't feel the contractions, so I could technically be "trying" to give birth and not know it. So we got in the car right away and drove 25 minutes across town. I spent maybe two minutes in the ER before they took me down the hall to L&D.

Now let me tell you, this hospital is a LOT nicer than I expected it to be. All of the birthing rooms are private, and she said almost all of the postpartum rooms are private as well. This room was about twice the size of our bedroom, with a couch and rocking chair and kitchenette. There were hardwood floors, dimmer switches on the lights, and even a place to play music during labor if you want. I was excited; it was nice to know that they do really take care of you. :) Anyway, they had me change into a gown and hooked me up to monitor the baby's heartbeat AND to see if I had any contractions.

Well, at first the nurse (who was so incredibly nice and very helpful, she did everything in her power to keep us calm) couldn't find the heartbeat. I looked over at Matthew, and saw that he was crying. I had cried all the way to the hospital, scared out of my mind. And he was so calm and comforting, that I knew if he was scared I should be too. She did find the heartbeat by the way, but seeing the look in my husbands eyes as he realized we could very well loose this baby... that was a life-changing experience for me. Anyway, everything is fine, I wasn't having contractions. They don't know why the baby was so lazy yesterday, but it sure did kick up a storm once the monitors and straps were in place! I'm glad I went in, and the nurse thanked me multiple times for getting checked out. I knew that if I brushed it off and something WAS wrong, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I couldn't take that chance, this is, after all, a life that's at stake.

I'm glad we went in, too, so that I could actually see what the Labor and Delivery section of this hospital was like. Its so much better than the one back home in Junction! I really feel like God has lead us to this place, and that this will be the perfect hospital for my first birthing experience. Alright, the dogs are barking at the neighbors trying to move in, so I have to go let them out.