So here we are, thirty-weeks along; three-fourths of the way through the pregnancy. I'm emotional about it all; I've had an easy, fairly enjoyable pregnancy. I know that its ending, and I'm entering into another stage of my life, into a place I know very little about. I feel unprepared, young, naive, and blessed. This is my life. I married my high school sweetheart at eighteen, and become a military spouse. And I'll have a beautiful little baby girl (or boy) just shortly after turning twenty. I never would have guessed, five years ago, that I would be here. I always pictured my life ending differently... not in South Dakota, for one. But I don't regret one single decision I've made. Every step I took got me here, got me next to the greatest husband I could have asked for, and with the most amazing child. Oh, I'm scared out of my mind, but I feel such a sense of blessing that I can't focus on my fear.
I've been thinking a lot about actually giving birth. I ignored it for a long time, too afraid to even focus on the pain, the unknown. I'm a planner; I like to know what's going on at every second, what's coming next, and I like to be in control. None of that is an option. What if the baby doesn't turn? What if the baby doesn't drop into the birth canal? What if the cord gets wrapped around his or her neck? What if I have to a c-section? What if I don't get to the hospital in time? What if the epidural doesn't work? There are SO many factors, so many things that could go wrong or change "plans". And I don't even have plans! I think I would like to TRY a natural birth, without pain medication. But who knows? I've never felt labor pains. I could go into labor and demand an epidural. I could have such a short labor period, and fairly easy contractions that I don't NEED anything. But who knows, really? God. Just God. At my next doctor's appointment (in two weeks) I'm going to talk to him about everything and see what he says. I know I at least want to hold off on taking an epidural, but I don't think I can firmly stand on one side or the other.
For the record, I'm not worried about an epidural harming the baby (or me). But it has been known to slow down labor, and you can only push in one position if you have an epidural (which is not the ideal way to push). Plus, like I said before, I hate not being in control (what can I say? I am my mother). I hate the feeling of being numb, because I'm not in control, I don't feel like I'm in control. That feeling really, honestly scares me. But again, who knows? I don't have a high pain tolerance either, so I could go into labor and say "screw it, make the pain stop". Or maybe the epidural won't even work on me... See, so many "what-if's". I don't want to stress about it, because ultimately God is in control and I trust Him to keep me and baby safe. I just wish I knew how the heck this infant is coming out, or when!
I'll be honest, I'm a little worried I'll go into pre-term labor while at home on vacation. Oh gosh, that would just be awful! We're bringing both our dogs in the backseat of our car. Where would we even put the baby?! We wouldn't even have the car seat with us... And if the baby is born this early he or she will probably be in the NICU for a good week. What if we have to extend our vacation? See, this is why I don't think. I worry. I am my mother.
And then I take a deep breath and remind myself that God is still on His throne. I tell myself that He knows when each sparrow falls; so how much more does He know my problems? He's got this whole pregnancy in His hands, protecting both me and baby. I believe with everything in me that God has perfect timing in all things, and that everything He does works out for the best. I stand firm in that, and grasp to those facts when I become fearful and weak. I'm out of my league here, a little fish in an awfully big pond. I have no idea what I'm doing, this is so new to me, my body is reacting in ways I never expected. And still, God is in control. Even when I am not, He still has His hand on my life and my pregnancy.
One last thought before I go vacuum the living room. I put the bassinet by my side of the bed (because that's where it fits) and every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I open my eyes an see it sitting there. It warms my heart. I don't feel overwhelmed or scared, I just feel so excited and loved and peaceful. Ok, so part of it may be because I'm half asleep... But I love rolling over and looking at the tiny bed and thinking "my little girl will be in there soon, sleeping soundly". Or boy. It could be a boy. :) I'm off now!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
our great adventure and the hospital
Ok, in order for me to tell this story I need to rewind back to Wednesday. I had really severe cramping/shooting pains "down there" and I couldn't find relief for 4-5 hours. Finally, after about half an hour in a hot bath, the pain went down to more of a dull ache. Well, the baby was pretty lazy after that and I didn't feel it moving around too much. I can't remember though, my focus was on the pain not on how often Baby jabbed me. I do remember feeling it kick me a few times "down there" because it made the pain worse, and at some point it wedged itself up into my ribs and caused more discomfort.
So Wednesday came and went... Thursday morning I woke up as Matthew was leaving for work and the baby kicked me softly a couple times. I distinctly remember this because when I felt the kicks I thought "I haven't really felt that too much lately". I went back to sleep and woke up about an hour later, and then decided to start my day. I cleaned the bathroom, crocheted a little bit and wrote. Matthew came home at noon for lunch and I felt the baby kick once while he was here, and that was it. So by the time my husband got home from work I was concerned, four-thirty hit and I'd only felt Baby kick twice. Matthew told me we'd go get dinner and see if eating helped. Well we had errands to run so we didn't end up eating until about 7. I waited two hours, still no movement. Now by this time I'm really scared. Earlier in the week someone had a still birth because the baby had wrapped the umbilical cord around its neck and died. She wouldn't have gone in if she hadn't noticed a decrease in movement.
So since my doctors office was closed, I had to call Labor and Delivery. I told the very nice nurse on the phone my symptoms and she said I should come in so they can monitor everything. Sometimes in preterm labor women don't feel the contractions, so I could technically be "trying" to give birth and not know it. So we got in the car right away and drove 25 minutes across town. I spent maybe two minutes in the ER before they took me down the hall to L&D.
Now let me tell you, this hospital is a LOT nicer than I expected it to be. All of the birthing rooms are private, and she said almost all of the postpartum rooms are private as well. This room was about twice the size of our bedroom, with a couch and rocking chair and kitchenette. There were hardwood floors, dimmer switches on the lights, and even a place to play music during labor if you want. I was excited; it was nice to know that they do really take care of you. :) Anyway, they had me change into a gown and hooked me up to monitor the baby's heartbeat AND to see if I had any contractions.
Well, at first the nurse (who was so incredibly nice and very helpful, she did everything in her power to keep us calm) couldn't find the heartbeat. I looked over at Matthew, and saw that he was crying. I had cried all the way to the hospital, scared out of my mind. And he was so calm and comforting, that I knew if he was scared I should be too. She did find the heartbeat by the way, but seeing the look in my husbands eyes as he realized we could very well loose this baby... that was a life-changing experience for me. Anyway, everything is fine, I wasn't having contractions. They don't know why the baby was so lazy yesterday, but it sure did kick up a storm once the monitors and straps were in place! I'm glad I went in, and the nurse thanked me multiple times for getting checked out. I knew that if I brushed it off and something WAS wrong, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I couldn't take that chance, this is, after all, a life that's at stake.
I'm glad we went in, too, so that I could actually see what the Labor and Delivery section of this hospital was like. Its so much better than the one back home in Junction! I really feel like God has lead us to this place, and that this will be the perfect hospital for my first birthing experience. Alright, the dogs are barking at the neighbors trying to move in, so I have to go let them out.
So Wednesday came and went... Thursday morning I woke up as Matthew was leaving for work and the baby kicked me softly a couple times. I distinctly remember this because when I felt the kicks I thought "I haven't really felt that too much lately". I went back to sleep and woke up about an hour later, and then decided to start my day. I cleaned the bathroom, crocheted a little bit and wrote. Matthew came home at noon for lunch and I felt the baby kick once while he was here, and that was it. So by the time my husband got home from work I was concerned, four-thirty hit and I'd only felt Baby kick twice. Matthew told me we'd go get dinner and see if eating helped. Well we had errands to run so we didn't end up eating until about 7. I waited two hours, still no movement. Now by this time I'm really scared. Earlier in the week someone had a still birth because the baby had wrapped the umbilical cord around its neck and died. She wouldn't have gone in if she hadn't noticed a decrease in movement.
So since my doctors office was closed, I had to call Labor and Delivery. I told the very nice nurse on the phone my symptoms and she said I should come in so they can monitor everything. Sometimes in preterm labor women don't feel the contractions, so I could technically be "trying" to give birth and not know it. So we got in the car right away and drove 25 minutes across town. I spent maybe two minutes in the ER before they took me down the hall to L&D.
Now let me tell you, this hospital is a LOT nicer than I expected it to be. All of the birthing rooms are private, and she said almost all of the postpartum rooms are private as well. This room was about twice the size of our bedroom, with a couch and rocking chair and kitchenette. There were hardwood floors, dimmer switches on the lights, and even a place to play music during labor if you want. I was excited; it was nice to know that they do really take care of you. :) Anyway, they had me change into a gown and hooked me up to monitor the baby's heartbeat AND to see if I had any contractions.
Well, at first the nurse (who was so incredibly nice and very helpful, she did everything in her power to keep us calm) couldn't find the heartbeat. I looked over at Matthew, and saw that he was crying. I had cried all the way to the hospital, scared out of my mind. And he was so calm and comforting, that I knew if he was scared I should be too. She did find the heartbeat by the way, but seeing the look in my husbands eyes as he realized we could very well loose this baby... that was a life-changing experience for me. Anyway, everything is fine, I wasn't having contractions. They don't know why the baby was so lazy yesterday, but it sure did kick up a storm once the monitors and straps were in place! I'm glad I went in, and the nurse thanked me multiple times for getting checked out. I knew that if I brushed it off and something WAS wrong, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I couldn't take that chance, this is, after all, a life that's at stake.
I'm glad we went in, too, so that I could actually see what the Labor and Delivery section of this hospital was like. Its so much better than the one back home in Junction! I really feel like God has lead us to this place, and that this will be the perfect hospital for my first birthing experience. Alright, the dogs are barking at the neighbors trying to move in, so I have to go let them out.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Meet the newest member of our family!
So he IS a pit-bull terrier mix, and he IS harmless. When I brought him home yesterday (with a cone on his head from being neutered over the weekend) Jafar was very agressive and protective of his territory. The poor new puppy was so nice, and just wanted to play! Seriously, even when our lab-mix snapped at him, he just walked away. And he loves people! Oh man, does he love people! The car ride home (which was almost an hour) he kept trying to sit in my lap. Which, by the way, is NOT a good idea with a big cone around his neck! He refused to lay in the backseat (even though that's where I laid down the blanket so dog hair wouldn't get on the seat) and leaned against my shoulder the entire way. And when I handed my ID to the guard so I could get back on base, oh my was he ever happy to see another person! His tail went a mile-a-minute, I swear.
He's so chill. He just lays down and watches you with is big puppy dog eyes. Okay, so he smells a little, but we got him from the humane society so what do you expect? And he's been trying to hump our couch pillows, and Jafar... its a dominance thing. Other than that he's been great. He's only tried to jump up on the furniture a couple of times, and he understands "no" and will get down.
We know he was abused. He's only eight months old and ALL of the workers at the shelter swore he was their favorite dog. They have a group of mentally handicapped children come in and play with the animals once a week, and this puppy was their favorite. He's never been agressive towards anything or anyone, in the three months that they've had him. ANYway when he first was taken in, they put him in a foster home because he was so malnuroused, they didn't think he'd live. You can still kind of see his ribs, but he's gained a lot of weight since they've had him. He also has red marks around his neck from where the collar was too tight, and embedded into his skin. He came in with another pit bull, a female, who was pregnant. She was adopted out right before he was (a beautiful brindle dog) and the three puppies that survived were also adopted out. We actually looked at one of the 8-week old puppies, a girl. She was a beautiful fawn color, but I knew I couldn't handle another tiny puppy. This dog was already house trained, but the puppy of course wasn't.
So far he's been great, and I think he'll continue. I know part of it is just him getting used to his surroundings again. He does cower when Matthew yells, he'll tuck his tail between his legs and lay down and start shaking. He was abused after all, so we're trying to get him used to the fact that we're not going to physically hurt him. That he's safe here. I'm sure people are going to FREAK that we got a pit bull and we're expecting a baby. But I really don't think he'll hurt anyone. I strongly believe that pit bulls, when raised and bred correctly, are great dogs and not aggressive. Plus, I've never seen the workers at the shelter so enthusiastic about a dog before-everyone had to say goodbye to him and made me promise to call in a few days so they knew how he was doing. They didn't do this the last time we adopted a dog, I can tell you that. But this little guy just captured their hearts, they all loved him.
Alright, I'm off to snap a few more pictures, and once the cone is off (hopefully by the end of the week) he'll have his face all over the internet! :) He's on medication right now for his surgery he just had, and he eats them right up without any problem! He's such a good boy.
P.S. Matthew named him Hades, I'm not completely sold but it was either that or "Scar". Which, by the way, rhymes with Jafar. No way. The name he came with was Blade, but it just didn't fit him too well.
He's so chill. He just lays down and watches you with is big puppy dog eyes. Okay, so he smells a little, but we got him from the humane society so what do you expect? And he's been trying to hump our couch pillows, and Jafar... its a dominance thing. Other than that he's been great. He's only tried to jump up on the furniture a couple of times, and he understands "no" and will get down.
We know he was abused. He's only eight months old and ALL of the workers at the shelter swore he was their favorite dog. They have a group of mentally handicapped children come in and play with the animals once a week, and this puppy was their favorite. He's never been agressive towards anything or anyone, in the three months that they've had him. ANYway when he first was taken in, they put him in a foster home because he was so malnuroused, they didn't think he'd live. You can still kind of see his ribs, but he's gained a lot of weight since they've had him. He also has red marks around his neck from where the collar was too tight, and embedded into his skin. He came in with another pit bull, a female, who was pregnant. She was adopted out right before he was (a beautiful brindle dog) and the three puppies that survived were also adopted out. We actually looked at one of the 8-week old puppies, a girl. She was a beautiful fawn color, but I knew I couldn't handle another tiny puppy. This dog was already house trained, but the puppy of course wasn't.
So far he's been great, and I think he'll continue. I know part of it is just him getting used to his surroundings again. He does cower when Matthew yells, he'll tuck his tail between his legs and lay down and start shaking. He was abused after all, so we're trying to get him used to the fact that we're not going to physically hurt him. That he's safe here. I'm sure people are going to FREAK that we got a pit bull and we're expecting a baby. But I really don't think he'll hurt anyone. I strongly believe that pit bulls, when raised and bred correctly, are great dogs and not aggressive. Plus, I've never seen the workers at the shelter so enthusiastic about a dog before-everyone had to say goodbye to him and made me promise to call in a few days so they knew how he was doing. They didn't do this the last time we adopted a dog, I can tell you that. But this little guy just captured their hearts, they all loved him.
Alright, I'm off to snap a few more pictures, and once the cone is off (hopefully by the end of the week) he'll have his face all over the internet! :) He's on medication right now for his surgery he just had, and he eats them right up without any problem! He's such a good boy.
P.S. Matthew named him Hades, I'm not completely sold but it was either that or "Scar". Which, by the way, rhymes with Jafar. No way. The name he came with was Blade, but it just didn't fit him too well.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
New Dogs, More Cramps
So we gave Chuck (our eight-month-old basset hound/lab mix) away. A new couple that just moved here fell in love with him and took him home with them. Its a good thing, I just wasn't expecting it really. They said they'd come over to look at him, and then ended up taking him-I had like five minutes to prepare. Ok, so I really wasn't that attached to him, he was obnoxious and a huge pain in the butt. But still, I'm pregnant and over emotional and I feel like I should have had some time to say goodbye or something...
So Saturday we went out to Spearfish (and Lead) to look at a couple humane societies. We ended up picking out a dog who's at the vet right now getting "fixed", we pick him up on Monday. He's eight-months old, and beautiful. It was that or another puppy, which I DO NOT want. I just house trained the last one, and I haven't forgotten how frustrating or exhausting it is. Not at all. So anyway, we get a new addition to the family tomorrow morning, and I'm very excited. We're still thinking up a name... Matthew really likes Abu (yes, another Disney name) but I'm just not sure it fits him. We'll see when he gets here, I guess.
Also, tomorrow, we get our garbage disposal fixed. FINALLY. Our kitchen sink isn't really draining, at all. So you can imagine how gross and smelly it is, and Matthew couldn't figure out how to fix it himself (he's not exactly a plumber). I mean, put him under the hood of a car and he'll fix just about everything that could ever go wrong. But a sink? Not his forte. So some stranger will be here tomorrow to hopefully fix that, and then we can go on living a slightly more organized lifestyle.
Then Tuesday is my next doctor's appointment, and I'm pretty excited. Its just a routine checkup, but we both love to hear the heartbeat, and know that everything is still OK.
After that... its just dishes and laundry and crocheting for me. This whole not working thing is really boring, but still amazing. I think I'll pull out some paper and start scrapbooking this week, if I ever get any of my energy back. I sleep at night, and I take a nap every afternoon and I STILL feel exhausted all the time. Its a little frustrating. I think I'll start cooking and baking some snacks for the long road trip down too. Just driving the forty-five minutes to Spearfish really hurt my back and made my ankles start to swell, so I'm already dreading the drive down. But Matthew is still being so patient and understanding, and constantly making sure I'm taken care of. He won't let me stay up late, or snack on anything unhealthy. I fell down the stairs last week and I had no idea he could run so fast to get to me! I mean, I was fine, I didn't land on my belly or anything (although my tailbone hurt), but it was still sweet that he bolted over to me ASAP.
The baby has started kicking me in the ribs and upper right side pretty constantly now. I feel so big and bloated, but I try not to wallow too much. This IS a beautiful thing, and I know its worth it. I love this Baby, and no matter how much pain I'm in, I know I will always love this baby enough to make it worth it.
Okay, I'm going to take a nap now. Have a great afternoon!
So Saturday we went out to Spearfish (and Lead) to look at a couple humane societies. We ended up picking out a dog who's at the vet right now getting "fixed", we pick him up on Monday. He's eight-months old, and beautiful. It was that or another puppy, which I DO NOT want. I just house trained the last one, and I haven't forgotten how frustrating or exhausting it is. Not at all. So anyway, we get a new addition to the family tomorrow morning, and I'm very excited. We're still thinking up a name... Matthew really likes Abu (yes, another Disney name) but I'm just not sure it fits him. We'll see when he gets here, I guess.
Also, tomorrow, we get our garbage disposal fixed. FINALLY. Our kitchen sink isn't really draining, at all. So you can imagine how gross and smelly it is, and Matthew couldn't figure out how to fix it himself (he's not exactly a plumber). I mean, put him under the hood of a car and he'll fix just about everything that could ever go wrong. But a sink? Not his forte. So some stranger will be here tomorrow to hopefully fix that, and then we can go on living a slightly more organized lifestyle.
Then Tuesday is my next doctor's appointment, and I'm pretty excited. Its just a routine checkup, but we both love to hear the heartbeat, and know that everything is still OK.
After that... its just dishes and laundry and crocheting for me. This whole not working thing is really boring, but still amazing. I think I'll pull out some paper and start scrapbooking this week, if I ever get any of my energy back. I sleep at night, and I take a nap every afternoon and I STILL feel exhausted all the time. Its a little frustrating. I think I'll start cooking and baking some snacks for the long road trip down too. Just driving the forty-five minutes to Spearfish really hurt my back and made my ankles start to swell, so I'm already dreading the drive down. But Matthew is still being so patient and understanding, and constantly making sure I'm taken care of. He won't let me stay up late, or snack on anything unhealthy. I fell down the stairs last week and I had no idea he could run so fast to get to me! I mean, I was fine, I didn't land on my belly or anything (although my tailbone hurt), but it was still sweet that he bolted over to me ASAP.
The baby has started kicking me in the ribs and upper right side pretty constantly now. I feel so big and bloated, but I try not to wallow too much. This IS a beautiful thing, and I know its worth it. I love this Baby, and no matter how much pain I'm in, I know I will always love this baby enough to make it worth it.
Okay, I'm going to take a nap now. Have a great afternoon!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
almost out of the water
Well, tomorrow is officially my last day of work. Yes, I mean it this time. I put my foot down, and I'm not going back. I need out of that place. You have no idea how tempting it is to just quit going in altogether, I mean what are they going to do? Fire me? GOOD! I'm trying to leave! Plus, they already took away my benefits because my district manager sucks, so I'm working there without any perks. I hate Starbucks, they've treated me like crap the past few weeks, and they treated one of the best managers I've ever known like crap. What part of "I'm pregnant, I can't work more than six hours at a time" don't you people understand?! 8 1/2 hour shifts are NOT good for me, easy pregnancy or not! I only have today and tomorrow left though and then I'm out. I'm out and I'm not going back, at least not while living in this state.
In other news, I have NO idea what I'll do with my time after I'm done working. We're leaving for Junction in exactly three weeks, so I just have to fill a little bit of time before vacation. But what about after that? I mean there's almost two full months where I'll have nothing to do. And with me not working, we're taking a pay cut, so I can't even really buy stuff to do. Maybe I'll just start cooking and baking a ton... or try to work on my wedding scrapbook. Maybe the house will start getting cleaner, although I kind of doubt that. Oh well, it'll still be nice to not be on my feet all day dealing with people I can't stand.
Now, I get to go do my hair and find a clean apron for work. I hate being the bigger person, I hate that I can't stick it to them and quit showing up. I can't just walk away, because they need my help. There are a lot of people on vacation for the 4th of July, so if I don't go in they'll have a really hard time finding someone. And I shouldn't care, because they keep screwing me over, but I still do.
Baby is healthy, by the way. I start going to the doctor's every two weeks from here on out, or at least up until my 36th week and then I go in weekly. Nothing new to report in pregnancy... my heartburn is back, my feet are swelling, its incredibly hot all the time, and I can't ever seem to get comfortable. I'm just in a bad mood today. Sorry for the long, ranting post.
In other news, I have NO idea what I'll do with my time after I'm done working. We're leaving for Junction in exactly three weeks, so I just have to fill a little bit of time before vacation. But what about after that? I mean there's almost two full months where I'll have nothing to do. And with me not working, we're taking a pay cut, so I can't even really buy stuff to do. Maybe I'll just start cooking and baking a ton... or try to work on my wedding scrapbook. Maybe the house will start getting cleaner, although I kind of doubt that. Oh well, it'll still be nice to not be on my feet all day dealing with people I can't stand.
Now, I get to go do my hair and find a clean apron for work. I hate being the bigger person, I hate that I can't stick it to them and quit showing up. I can't just walk away, because they need my help. There are a lot of people on vacation for the 4th of July, so if I don't go in they'll have a really hard time finding someone. And I shouldn't care, because they keep screwing me over, but I still do.
Baby is healthy, by the way. I start going to the doctor's every two weeks from here on out, or at least up until my 36th week and then I go in weekly. Nothing new to report in pregnancy... my heartburn is back, my feet are swelling, its incredibly hot all the time, and I can't ever seem to get comfortable. I'm just in a bad mood today. Sorry for the long, ranting post.
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