So here we are, thirty-weeks along; three-fourths of the way through the pregnancy. I'm emotional about it all; I've had an easy, fairly enjoyable pregnancy. I know that its ending, and I'm entering into another stage of my life, into a place I know very little about. I feel unprepared, young, naive, and blessed. This is my life. I married my high school sweetheart at eighteen, and become a military spouse. And I'll have a beautiful little baby girl (or boy) just shortly after turning twenty. I never would have guessed, five years ago, that I would be here. I always pictured my life ending differently... not in South Dakota, for one. But I don't regret one single decision I've made. Every step I took got me here, got me next to the greatest husband I could have asked for, and with the most amazing child. Oh, I'm scared out of my mind, but I feel such a sense of blessing that I can't focus on my fear.
I've been thinking a lot about actually giving birth. I ignored it for a long time, too afraid to even focus on the pain, the unknown. I'm a planner; I like to know what's going on at every second, what's coming next, and I like to be in control. None of that is an option. What if the baby doesn't turn? What if the baby doesn't drop into the birth canal? What if the cord gets wrapped around his or her neck? What if I have to a c-section? What if I don't get to the hospital in time? What if the epidural doesn't work? There are SO many factors, so many things that could go wrong or change "plans". And I don't even have plans! I think I would like to TRY a natural birth, without pain medication. But who knows? I've never felt labor pains. I could go into labor and demand an epidural. I could have such a short labor period, and fairly easy contractions that I don't NEED anything. But who knows, really? God. Just God. At my next doctor's appointment (in two weeks) I'm going to talk to him about everything and see what he says. I know I at least want to hold off on taking an epidural, but I don't think I can firmly stand on one side or the other.
For the record, I'm not worried about an epidural harming the baby (or me). But it has been known to slow down labor, and you can only push in one position if you have an epidural (which is not the ideal way to push). Plus, like I said before, I hate not being in control (what can I say? I am my mother). I hate the feeling of being numb, because I'm not in control, I don't feel like I'm in control. That feeling really, honestly scares me. But again, who knows? I don't have a high pain tolerance either, so I could go into labor and say "screw it, make the pain stop". Or maybe the epidural won't even work on me... See, so many "what-if's". I don't want to stress about it, because ultimately God is in control and I trust Him to keep me and baby safe. I just wish I knew how the heck this infant is coming out, or when!
I'll be honest, I'm a little worried I'll go into pre-term labor while at home on vacation. Oh gosh, that would just be awful! We're bringing both our dogs in the backseat of our car. Where would we even put the baby?! We wouldn't even have the car seat with us... And if the baby is born this early he or she will probably be in the NICU for a good week. What if we have to extend our vacation? See, this is why I don't think. I worry. I am my mother.
And then I take a deep breath and remind myself that God is still on His throne. I tell myself that He knows when each sparrow falls; so how much more does He know my problems? He's got this whole pregnancy in His hands, protecting both me and baby. I believe with everything in me that God has perfect timing in all things, and that everything He does works out for the best. I stand firm in that, and grasp to those facts when I become fearful and weak. I'm out of my league here, a little fish in an awfully big pond. I have no idea what I'm doing, this is so new to me, my body is reacting in ways I never expected. And still, God is in control. Even when I am not, He still has His hand on my life and my pregnancy.
One last thought before I go vacuum the living room. I put the bassinet by my side of the bed (because that's where it fits) and every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I open my eyes an see it sitting there. It warms my heart. I don't feel overwhelmed or scared, I just feel so excited and loved and peaceful. Ok, so part of it may be because I'm half asleep... But I love rolling over and looking at the tiny bed and thinking "my little girl will be in there soon, sleeping soundly". Or boy. It could be a boy. :) I'm off now!
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