How Christmas Went for Us

1. Abby wakes up at 1:00 am, cries off and on for three hours. Poor husband gets up with her multiple times to rock and read a story or sing a song...
   
2. Alarm goes off at 6:00, so I get up and make cinnamon rolls and do prep for dinner
3. Matthew's up to help me get the "junk" out of the hens around 7:30. I gagged when I stuck my hand in there to try and get all that stuff out...
4. Abby finally wakes up around 8:00! I carry her upstairs to open presents! She was super quiet (still sleepy) and just stared at everything wide-eyed.
5. Abby goes back down for a nap about an hour later. She only opened a few presents, because I didn't want to go too fast or overwhelm her.
6. Abby gets back up! Opens more presents, eats cinnamon rolls with daddy, and then gets her stocking.
7. Long day of playing, watching movies, eating, cooking, etc
8. Abigail goes down for a nap around 3:00, my mom calls crying, telling me thank you. All three of her kids (who aren't exactly financially "comfortable") pitched in for a kitchen aid mixer!
9. Dinner is served! Abigail gets up, super cranky, and goes back down for the night around 6:00ish
10. Jasmine poops in the kitchen, and the toilet overflows as a result. The bathroom floods, and we had to soak it up with 10-12 towels. Matt wasn't happy.
11. We bust out Monopoly! Matthew whoops my butt twice.

It was a nice Christmas, eventful! We're just so homesick... Matt hasn't spent a Christmas with his family in four years. We are so ready to be in Cheyenne, much closer to home.

And of course, we have a couple prayer requests!

• Pray that we find a home! We're looking into buying at this point. It'd be cheaper for us, except that with VA we have to pay the closing costs up front (anywhere from $2000-$4000). So pray that the finances come, or else that we can find a rental home in our price range that allows for two large dogs
• Pray that we find a job! The perfect one for us, that fits our schedules and our needs...
• Pray for finances! There's a lot of stuff coming up that requires more money than we have right now. The puppy needs shots, Matt needs his CDL, and he has a birthday, and then we move... all in three months time. So just pray that God would bless us and guide us with all of this. And that we wouldn't stress about it too much.
  

Being A Parent Just Changes Everything...

I am always amazed at how your view is changed once you have kids.

I'm speaking, this time, of Christmas. It used to be about what I'm getting, what I'm giving, what food we're eating, and where we're spending that morning. But this year its different. Everything is about Abigail this year.

She's old enough now to rip off the paper from the gifts, she's old enough to enjoy presents, toys, and even the yummy food. So now, instead of wondering anxiously what's under the tree for me, I'm anxiously awaiting her reaction when she gets up in the morning and sees all her new things!

I'm also a little homesick. I wish I was back in Junction to see my new nephew, Parker. And to see my grandparents. I wish my mom was here to watch Abby's reaction. I wish I was enjoying all the yummy food. I wish I was able to spend all afternoon with the Storey family, laughing at their strange antics and constant teasing. I wish we'd had the money to go home this year. And really, I wish we were there for Jen and Jess in this time of healing.

Side note: Jen and Jess gave birth to a beautiful little boy. After trying for a year to get pregnant, she had her little one at 27 weeks, and he was born still. Details aren't needed, but he sounds amazing. We know that he's in heaven celebrating this Christmas with the birthday boy himself. But its still very, very bittersweet.

Anyway, we're homesick. But we're trying our hardest to stay positive. I'm making a dinner (cornish hens, asparagus, mashed red potatoes, and apple and pecan pies) and I'm even venturing out to bake cinnamon rolls from scratch. Scary!

We're also reminding ourselves that from here on out we can go home for all the holidays we want. Being in Cheyenne is still the desire of our hearts, and we're living each day looking forward to our move. We're both so ready to be out of this town, away from these people... it just time for a fresh start.

This blog is getting long! Oops... As always we are reminded of the Ultimate Sacrifice. We are reminded that God sent his only son into a wrecked, ugly world. He started with a humble beginning, lived a worth and holy life, and died a graphic death. All for us. For me. Out of love, wholesome, strong, unending, love.

And so, at the end of the day, no matter where we are, or what we have, or what we're eating. The focus should still be on those facts.

Green is a no-go

Well we got our confirmation yesterday; no army for us. In order for Matthew to switch branches he would have to get out of the Air Force first and then re-enlist in the army. But he would lose all his prior years in service; we'd be back at the bottom of the totem pole again.

So obviously God does not want us in the military. Period. To us its just the end of a long, amazing journey. But now that we know, we can look forward to something new and exciting. I think we're finally OK with all of this. Matthew's finally coming to see that it wasn't necessarily the Air Force "screwing him over", it was more of God leading us away from this. Its very, very bittersweet. We've had a great three years in the military, and we absolutely loved the experience and the lifestyle. We're not sure why God has lead us out of this place, but we trust that He's doing what is best.

The next step for us is looking at other jobs, in the "normal" civilian world. Matthew's studying for his CDL, which he'll take in January. We're scraping together the money so he can get HAZMAT added to his license. It looks like that will really push him over the edge for getting a job in truck driving.

We're actively searching in Wyoming, hopefully Cheyenne. But we'll go where God leads us. We've been pricing houses, rentals, all that fun stuff. So now the prayer requests have changed.

We need a home that will allow two big dogs, within our budget. If you want specifics I'd love a 3 bedroom home for under $1000.

We also need a job, obviously. I don't think one will be hard to find. But prayers that it fits well with our family. That Matthew will get paid enough for us to live off of without me working, and that he'd still be home a comfortable amount.

The other big thing is right now we don't know if Matthew will get paid for the time he should be in. March-August. We're praying yes. If so, he'd get one big check (we think) to reimburse him from the time he should've spend in the Air Force. Does that make sense? We probably won't know that until he starts out-processing (in March). But if that could happen, that would really help us out!

Thank you, to all our family and friends who have supported and loved us through this whole mess of life. We cannot repay you for all the encouragement you have given.

Not Going Green?

Well we got some more news last night. Apparently Matthew isn't able to enlist in any other branch of the military either, because of the way his separation paperwork is coded. We don't know why, there's no reason for it. We can go into the Rushmore Center and ask them to re-do the paperwork, but they might say no. If they say no?

Then we're not supposed to be in the military. We prayed that God would just send us a clear sign, yes or no. And if He shuts that door, then its for a reason. We don't know why, but we know enough to trust in His Sovereignty.

So what does this mean? Matthew's studying for his CDL right now, he can take the test for $80 (as apposed to over $1000 if he wasn't military) so we're going to do that. And the military will pay for us to move back to where he enlisted (Grand Junction). But honestly, we're leaning more towards moving to Cheyenne.

We've been looking, and he can find a job there as a driver. There's always houses for rent, and its a really great location for us. Our family is all right in that area, and we do really love the town. Plus, it has Chick Fil A! Seriously though, there's a lot that's going into this decision and we're still praying that God would lead us to where we're meant to be.

Ultimately we're doing fine. This whole journey has really strengthened our family and our marriage. The Air Force has changed my husband in so many great and honorable ways. We have been blessed to spend three years here, and develop these relationships. We know that God is doing something big in our lives, and we can trust in His faithfulness. We have not forgotten the promises He's made to us. I fully believe that He is protecting us from something. I don't know what it is, and I don't care. Divorce? Maybe. You know the divorce rate in the military is huge? Matthew's job has a 98% divorce rate. Not comforting. Or maybe a death. We know that our government isn't what it used to be, and we would like to have the option to flee to Canada if we need to. :)

Seriously though. Pray for Matthew, pray for guidance and understanding and peace. He's taking everything personally, and he feels so defeated every day. I just want healing for him, I want him to know that it'll be alright. And pray for our family, as we transition into a whole different lifestyle.

And who knows? Maybe they'll change the coding and he'll go army. We're just going through it all and weighing our options...

From Blue to Green

I am happy to say that we are in our new house, and our internet is hooked up! So here's that lovely update that you've all been waiting for!

We met with the army recruiter a few weeks ago, to determine what steps we need to take. First, we needed a "conditional release form" to be signed by Matthew's commander. This form basically lets us leave the Air Force early and go straight into the Army. Without it we'd have to finish up in the Air Force (which is the end of March) and then wait a certain amount of time (usually 6 months) before we could enlist in the army. And then we'd have to wait some more until an opening in boot camp came up. So we didn't want to do that.

Well we just found out last night that his commander is going to sign that release form. Thank God! We prayed about it, and basically said "if this is where you want us, then just make it super easy to get there". Looks like that's what He's doing...

So here is what we need as far as prayers go:
1. That Matthew's job would transfer over. As of right now there's a list of about 45 jobs that don't transfer, because they're overmanned in the army. If Matthew's job doesn't transfer he has to go special forces. Which we don't want. Even if he fails out of special forces, he only has two options as a job, and we don't get to pick which one it is. So we're really just praying that he can stay in his same job.
2. Matthew has to go back through boot camp for 9 weeks. Obviously Abby and I can't go with him, so we're most likely moving back to Colorado. We need prayer for Matthew, and also for Abby. Being away from daddy for nine weeks probably won't be easy for her!
3. We're not sure yet if Matthew has to go back through tech school too, but if he does then that's another six weeks away from us. So right now we're praying that he can just go straight from boot camp to his duty station.
4. Finances. We don't know if the army will pay to move Abby and I back home. We're really praying that they'll cover it, because otherwise we'll be in a very tight spot.
5. As long as we're praying... we would love to be at Fort Carson, in Colorado Springs. It would be so close to home, and my little sister's college. I know that eventually we'll have to move away from my family too, but we just would really like to have some time closer to our friends. Especially during such a lifestyle change!

Praises? God is continuing to provide for us! My very good friend offered to let Abby and I stay at her place; she has two extra bedrooms and her house is fully baby-proofed already. Matthew and I both think it'll be a perfect fit. We're also thankful that even though he has to go through boot camp, he won't loose any rank or pay. Actually, he'll be getting paid a *tiny* bit more, since we'll be separated.

Overall we still feel very blessed, and we actually are really looking forward to this change in our lives! Matthew's been very frustrated and angry for a while with this base and the people he's been under. I really believe that God is leading us away from here, to a much better place. We feel so blessed to have Him as our guide and protector.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

Here We Go...

I think there's probably a lot that some of you don't know. Or maybe you do know by now, and that's cool. We've been keeping some things really quiet for the past few months, I guess we kind of thought that if it wasn't said outloud then it would go away. Unfortunately, it hasn't; and there's really no more hiding it.

In short; Matthew's getting out of the Air Force. His separation date is March 31, 2012. I know, soon. With this has come a lot of fear, uncertainty, and questioning of God. What is he doing? What's his plan? Why? Why us? Why now?

We're hurt and disappointed. But we refuse to be broken down. So instead of wallowing and complaining and crying over it, we're picking ourselves up and moving on. God is closing this chapter in our lives, for whatever reason. And as much as we disagree and argue and beg, he's still doing his thing. We have to trust that.

So what does that mean for us? Where does that leave us? We have no clue. Possibly army, we're meeting with a recruiter this weekend to discuss our options. Possibly the civilian world; Matthew can get his CDL for under $100 (which is an awesome deal!) so we're looking into that too. Ultimately we know that God is leading our lives into a different territory. And while it is unknown to us, it is completely in the hands of God.

So yes, in the midst of moving into a new (bigger!) house, holidays, traveling, tight budgets, and a new job for myself; we're now changing careers. Without warning. Awesome, huh? Hey, its just how God works.

Fearful

I am a lot of things; my own type of person.
I love Audrey Hepburn, and her whole era. I love her grace, her beauty, the way she made everything feminine and lovely.
I love chai on a winter night, with a cozy blanket and a beautiful book.
I'm a hopeless romantic kind of girl, who loves her "chick-flick" nights.
I enjoy baking and cooking, but not cleaning up the kitchen afterward.
Actually, I hate cleaning in general...
I hate, hate, hate clutter, and the way it makes me feel.
I love food, any kind of food. Sweet, sour, salty; any flavor and any ethnicity.
I'm willing to try anything at least once; as long as its not ridiculously gross, painful, or hurtful to my family.
I have developed great friendships that I know will last me the rest of my life.
I'm OCD, seriously. I have the disease, it runs in my family. I have to eat everything in 2's; even numbers. Same color and same size.

That's just a few on my list. A very few, actually.
But the one thing I am not? Fearful.
You see, my belief is not based on fear. It is based on courage, on faith, on grace. My God is not a God of fear. There is nothing I fear, except God himself. He is my stronghold. He is all I need in this world, in this season of chaos. He's my life, now. He's the one who leads my friends to me, to lift me up and keep me strong.

No, I am not fearful. We are not a family of fear. I will not lie down and take it. I will let the waves crash, but I will not cease swimming. I know that the sun will come out, I know that there is something on the other side. I know that this storm will stop eventually, and I will be so thankful to have fought through it.

Pumpkin Scone, anyone?

So tonight I made pumpkin scones, and they were delish!
The original site I used was here, but it didn't turn out quite right. So here's MY version of her scones!
Pumpkin Scone Recipe:
2c flour
1/4 c + 3T sugar
1T baking powder
1/2t salt
1T + 1/2t cinnamon
1T cloves
1T ginger
5T cold butter (I used margarine) cut into pieces
1c canned pumpkin puree (please note you can NOT use pumpkin pie mix, the consistency is waaaay off!)
3T nonfat yogurt (you can also use sour cream)
1T mayonnaise (used instead of 1 egg)

Preheat oven to 425.
Mix dry ingredients and add butter. Mix with electric mixer for about 1 minute, until butter is "crumbled" with other dry ingredients.
Whip together pumpkin, yogurt and egg (or mayo!). Add to flour-mix and stir.
Spray a cookie sheet with olive oil.
Roll out dough onto a floured surface, about 1/2 thick. I used a round cookie cutter to cut out the scones, and then re-rolled the dough. The original poster suggest cutting into triangular pieces (like a normal scone would look). I wanted a little more "portion control", so I went a different route.
Cook for about 15 minutes, depending on the size. Because my scones were smaller, they didn't take as long.
Remove from oven and let cool. While the scones are cooling make your glaze.

Glaze Recipe:
1c powdered sugar
2T milk (I used water because I was out of milk)

I dipped my scones into the glaze, because it was easiest. I actually dipped them once, but they were still a little warm, so I ended up dipping them each twice. :)

The original blogger made a second glaze to drizzle over top with spices in it. I was too lazy. But my scones also had more spice added, so I don't think they needed them anyway.

I'll post a picture tomorrow once my husband gets back with my camera. :)

First Steps

Matthew coaxed Abigail into taking her first steps last week. We both screamed and clapped and encouraged her. You could tell she was proud of herself. And then I cried.

Somehow every time I blog it ends up becoming my time-is-going-to-fast whine...

She's taken a few more steps over the past five days, although no more than two or three at a time. She walks pretty well if you're holding one hand, but she's still a little timid on her own. Standing is no big deal, she'll stand and play with her toys or eat a cookie or something. But if we try to get her step she usually lowers to her knees, sits down, and then smiles up at us. We know she can do it, she's just not quite ready to go all in yet.

And I'm still fine with it. I'm a mom, desperately trying to slow time down, to catch up with her rapid growth, to cherish every stage she's in. It seems like just when I'm getting used to something, a new accomplishment washes over us, and then I have to readjust all over again. From being an infant, to rolling, to scooting, to crawling, to cruising. And now walking. I know that this stage opens a whole new can of worms; it'll be a whole new world raising a toddler.

I keep thinking "I'm not ready yet". But I know I am. I'm excited for it, as much as I want her to slow down. Watching her master a big thing is so amazing as a mom. I'm proud. It sounds stupid because most children learn to walk at this age, its not really anything spectacular. But I can still remember her as an infant, sleeping on daddy's chest. I can't believe we got here so fast, I can't believe it's been 13 months now...

And I just have to swallow that twinge of pain that says "I missed so much!" and look forward to the future. To my daughter learning to walk and run and color... Learning to talk and match colors and tell me shapes. So much more to come! And so we hitch up, hold on, and move with this speeding train that's called parenthood. It's all I can do, and its all I would want anyway.

The Annoyances of Being A Mom

The Frustrating things of Mommyhood

1.) Loosing all those tiny socks! There's nothing like siting down to fold baby laundry, and having a pile full of miss-matching socks. They got lost in different loads of laundry, sometimes they don't make it to the hamper, or into the washer, or even into the dryer!

2.) Keeping the schedule. I know that the schedule keeps me sane, and it keeps my daughter happy and healthy. But man, we turn down a lot of events and social opportunities because our daughter goes to bed early. I know that at the end of the day, what matters is that she got her rest; and its really not that big of a deal to miss the hot wings special that everyone else got to enjoy. It just gets frustrating sometimes...

3.) Always having the carseat in the right car. We have one car and one truck, and I often hitch rides with friends. But now we have one of the big convertible carseats, not the little infant ones that easily snap in and out, and can buckle into a car with ease. The new carseat is heavy, awkward to carry, and often barely fits in a normal-sized sedan car next to another carseat of the same type. I wish we had a couple extras, so I didn't have to always remember to take it out of our car, or our truck, and move it around!

4.) All those obnoxious children's shows! My daughter is just now starting to sit "still" for a cartoon. She mostly just watches Yo Gabba Gabba. Now if you've seen the show, you know exactly how annoying it is! All those little jingles, where they repeat the same thing over and over and over again. Even after its off, and she's down for a nap, and two hours have past, I still have the little song stuck in my head. "Keep trying, keep trying, don't give, never give up..."

5.) The toys that randomly go off at strange times. I recently had this conversation with another mommy, and I'm sure every parent has experienced it once or twice. That singing/talking/dancing toy that will suddenly begin doing its "thing". Even though no one has touched it, or looked at it, or even acknowledged its existence. The worst is at night! The house dark, and finally quiet, and you're just sipping on your tea and trying to relax for a second. When suddenly you hear Elmo giggling! It's just weird...

Well, there's my top five things that annoy me about being a mom! What didn't make the cut?

• Holding a toddler while making dinner, or grocery shopping, or trying to sign a receipt
• Having your child throw her binky at a poor old women
• Watching your child throw a fit in public for no apparent reason
• Not being able to sleep in with your husband on the only two days that he's able to
• Always having crumbs on the floor, no matter how often you vaccuum
  

Why We Do and Don't Do These Things

Being a parent comes with a lot of decisions. Especially as a Christian, faith-based family. So I thought I would take a moment to explain why we do (or don't do) what we do.

Halloween
Growing up we didn't celebrate Halloween, and neither did Matthew's family. Halloween derives from demonic things, it was started as a dark and gruesome "tradition". Over the years it has developed into children dressing as characters from their favorite movies, TV shows, or books. Now it is considered "harmless fun". And in many ways it is. We don't look down on anyone who has decided to celebrate Halloween; every person is allowed to make their own decisions. We have made ours.
Although it may seem like "harmless fun", we don't want to risk it. As Christians we believe that Satan dwells everywhere, he roams this earth looking for souls to steal. He puts his claws into everything he can, twisting "harmless fun" into something that could possibly become dangerous.

This is one of the verses that I believe back up our decision: Deuteronomy 18:9-14

"When you come into the land that the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD. And because of these abominations the LORD your God is driving them out before you. You shall be blameless before the LORD your God, for these nations, which you are about to dispossess, listen to fortune-tellers and to diviners. But as for you, the LORD your God has not allowed you to do this.

Our children will not celebrate or participate in Halloween because:
· I don’t want him to underestimate the devil
· I don’t want him to open up to demonic influence
· I don’t want him to stumble into an area of the occult unaware
· I want him to know that I take the Bible literally
· I want him to prefer the light of the Gospel to the darkness of the occult
· I want him to know that it is OK to stand apart from the world on these issues
· I want him to recognize easily what is evil and stand against it in the name of Jesus
Want to know more? http://womenbygrace.com/christian-life/why-we-dont-celebrate-halloween/
http://carm.org/questions/other-questions/where-did-halloween-come-can-christian-celebrate-it

Christmas
We do celebrate Christmas. We do put up a Christmas tree. I know that the Christmas tree is a pagan tradition, and maybe I'm being hypocritical here. But I find nothing wrong with it; I grew up with the tree. That's where you put presents. Its a tradition to decorate it together. Christmas is about family, love, giving, thankfulness. But more than all of that it is about the love of God. The fact that he sent his only son to be born in a stable, to suffer a life of humans, only to die a gruesome death. Its the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate gift.
We're also doing the Santa "thing". A lot of children grow up believing in him; and some don't. Some parents don't feel right "lying" to their children. But we talked about it; we think its OK. I don't want my child being the one kid in her Sunday school class to yell out "Santa isn't real!" and ruin the holidays for all the other 4 or 5 years old that believe in him. Someone did that to me when I was young, and I still remember crying over it. I was heartbroken! So for other the sake of the other kids (especially family!) we will be doing the Santa Claus story. Although I would really like to include more of the history behind it; I would love for my daughter to understand where that story comes from. Because its actually really cool!

Easter
Now I have to say that when I was around 12 or 13 my mom quit doing Easter egg hunts. I'm not well educated on this; but the symbol of eggs is not a Christian thing-it derives from pagan and other spiritual beliefs. I don't know the exacts of it all. Because of this we haven't made any serious decisions regarding Easter. We do celebrate. Last year Abby was too little to really do much; we did give her an Easter basket with baby snacks and a toy or two. The Easter holiday itself is a beautiful, Godly thing. Its actually my favorite holiday!

I'm not sure if there's much else I should touch on... We monitor a lot of what Abby watches, hears, sees, etc. And we plan to continue that. Children are impressionable. Even though you don't think a one year old really notices the cursing or the violent film that you turned on, it affects them. We try very hard to only watch age-appropriate things when she's awake. Now that's not saying that we only watch Yo Gabba Gabba and Veggie Tales... but we do filter what we watch. Like Psych, because the language is pretty much zilch, and there's very little violence.
We also monitor the children's shows that she watches. Barney creeps me out to no end. So she doesn't ever see it. I realize that may sound a little coo-coo (especially since she watches Yo Gabba Gabba, which is also creepy) but its a choice we've made. Yo Gabba Gabba is mostly singing and dancing, and teaching her how to react appropriately to situations. Barney is different. Yes they do sing and dance, but I feel like there are some underlying problems with the show. Why is there a character named BJ? For those of you who don't know what BJ stands for in the real world... You are very sheltered. Don't worry about it. Seriously though, its just weird.

Alright, I'm off to cut out some more fabric for my quilt. Did I mention that yet? I'm starting a quilt! I'm excited. Alright, good night!

...I thought I should also add that we've completely cut out all horror films, documentaries on ghosts, and reality shows on ghosts. I used to love them, I'd watch marathons on them. Until one day Matthew sat me down and talked to me about it. I didn't know it bothered him! He really felt like watching those was opening a door, a door letting in whatever demons or demonic spirits felt the desire to enter. And I agreed. That is one of the reasons we don't celebrate Halloween. Those demons attach to everything and anything, and I for one don't want to risk our safety or our spiritual strength.

But again, I don't judge people who DO celebrate Halloween. Its perfectly fine; we just have chosen a different path than most people we know. And we're perfectly comfortable with that.

Keeping the Faith

I want to hold on 'cause I'm afraid
And I didn't ask for it to be this way
Somehow I found myself caught in the grey
Reaching out for fear, running out of faith

You know what I don't
So help me to let go
You're in control
So help me to let go
I want to let go

I want to let go of what I can't change
'Cause I can't wrap my mind around Your ways
I've got more questions than I have answers these days
Please don't let my suffering go to waste

These are the moments its hard to believe
So please help me, please help me
These are the moments of surrendering
So please help me, please help me
-Matt Hammitt (Let Go)

My good good friend Mandy sent me this song today. It struck a cord. I'm holding on to all this chaos, all my pain, all my stress. And as much as I try to bottle it up, to "let it go" I'm never really surrendering to God. It doesn't do any good if I'm not letting Him take control.

I feel a fool. Here I am, running around with my head cut off, wondering where the heck God is. And He's been standing there the whole time, begging me to let Him take the load.

So I guess this is me, kneeling at the cross, laying at His feet, surrendering. He can every thing. Every piece of my heart, every thing that I have clenched in my fists, every worry, every pain... I realize that I can't control this. I cannot control this. But God can. He already is. I just need to take a deep breath and trust him. Step up to my faith and really believe that He will right this.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Then and Now

I felt the urge to do a "before and after" blog. I guess just kind of recapping the last year, in case you missed anything.

One Year Ago on September 23
That Morning: I was laying in a hospital bed (we went in at midnight to the hospital so I could be induced) watching MTV music videos. Matthew was sitting on the bench nearby, refusing to sleep.

That Afternoon: I was starving! Matthew was eating steak from the hospital cafeteria (which he really enjoyed) and all I could do was munch on ice chips.
Somewhere in the late afternoon/early evening I asked for pain meds, and then an epidural. I wanted a natural birth, until I felt the pain. Then all I wanted was to focus on something other than what my body was going through.

That Evening: My water broke, and we expected exciting fireworks shortly after. But it was still boring. Matthew dozed on and off, and joked with all the great nurses that kept coming in to check on me and feed my husband.

That Night: I gave birth after an hour of pushing, to a beautiful little girl who weighed 6lbs, 12 oz, 19" long. She entered this world quietly, surprising us with her sex, at 10:18 pm.

This Year on September 23
This Morning: I made waffles for breakfast and enjoyed the company of my sisters, niece, mom, and husband. Abby opened presents before Matthew left for work.

This Afternoon: We drove around Rapid City, shopped for her birthday party, and let grandma spoil her just a little bit!

This Evening: Abby played with her cousin Bella, enjoying all her new toys. We ate dinner (that grandma made) and then snuggled up for bed in new pajamas.

This Night: Abby is asleep and here I am, reflecting on her past year. Tomorrow is a big party; full of cake, presents, playing, friends, decorations, and god knows what else... But my focus isn't on the party. We've made it one year, and its been emotional, overwhelming, and completely worthwhile. I can't believe that its already been a year. I swear it was yesterday that I was holding this little infant in my arms, watching her sleep and suck on a bottle. I remember the first time she giggled, the pain of hearing her cry the first time, the relief of seeing her face every morning.

And we look forward to so many more years together. Years of discovery, of learning, of growth. Years of love and Godly studies... Years that we will cherish and enjoy. Its been a rough, unexpecting year for us. And its bittersweet to look back on the time that we've lost so quickly. Yet, I can't help but be excited for everything that the future holds for my daughter, and for us as parents.

All our love, Abigail Renee...

A Very Hungry Caterpillar Birthday

Get ready for photo overload!

Abby celebrated her very first birthday this weekend! It was crazy, overwhelming, and full of memories. I cannot believe my daughter is a toddler now! A non-toddling-toddler. Its very, very bittersweet. Sad that she's no longer a baby; who sleeps on your chest and giggles in her sleep. Happy that she's growing up; learning new things (like how to walk and talk) and experiencing life.

My two sisters, mom, and niece all arrived Thursday night to help with the long weekend, and also to celebrate with Abby. We opened presents on Friday (her actual birth DAY) and then spent the afternoon shopping and playing with all the new toys. Poor Abby was overwhelmed and tired, but she was a trooper!

On Saturday we spent all morning preparing for a two hour party. We had a little bit of a mix-up when I left all of the party supplies (including the things needed to make cupcakes) in my car, which my husband took to work that morning. But disaster was avoided, although it took us longer to get there than we thought... I'm so thankful I had my family, and my amazing friend Mandy, to help!

I used fun-fetti cake mixes for the cupcakes, and matching frosting. If you've never read the Very Hungry Caterpillar, there are lots of circles and polka-dots so we kept that theme as much as we could. Our plates and napkins all had colored dots (that matched the colors in the Eric Carle book) and said "Happy Birthday". I made the cupcake toppers by printing out the pictures from the book (the fruits that he eats and the caterpillar himself) and cutting them into circles. Then we taped them to sucker sticks and put them in the cupcakes. They were adorable! I wish I had backed them on colored cardstock, but I ran out of time. Oh well...

It took me two weeks to sew Abby's birthday dress, but I'm so glad I put the effort in! It was adorable! I even made all the snack bags (that we put the party bag/gifts in). I made 15 of those bags, can you believe it? I was proud of myself...

My mom and I went to walmart and bought packs of baby sunglasses, bouncy balls, bubbles, and suckers to put in the gift bags. And she bought 15 balloons, one for each child to take home. I'm pretty sure that was their favorite part!

We decorated, got the cupcakes and food in order, and then we played with all the toys and ate cake and opened presents. It was very laid back, and I was glad Abby was just able to enjoy the afternoon. She was tired, but she still played with her cousin Bella, her friends (mostly Layla) and all the adults that doted on her!

I was just so thankful for everyone who came to celebrate with us, give Abby her gifts (which was mostly clothes and books) and eat all our food! Seriously, we are so blessed to have such a great group of friends who love and support us. And Mandy even stayed late to help us pack everything up, sweep the gross floor, and organize all those toys!

Over all, I would say it was a success. I know Abigail won't remember any of it, but it was important to me that we throw her a party. Now she can look back at all these great pictures (thanks to my sister, Bethany, who followed everyone around snapping their photo!) and know that we spoiled her rotten!

And just in case you wanted to see some more photos of her... Well, heck, she's so gosh darn cute, how can you not want to see her?!

A Thankful Heart, O Lord

I want a thankful heart.
I want to wake up in the morning, just happy to have breath in my lungs.
I want to enjoy every second of every day.
I want to be happy with what I have.
I don't want thinks like money to effect my mood.
I want to love my home, my family, my friends...
I want to love this town like God does.
I want a passion in my soul,
A passion for all things good and lovely.
I want a thankful heart.
I want to enjoy things again.
Little things, big things, all sorts of things
I want a thankful heart.

Mustang Bike Rally

Matthew I headed to Sturgis this afternoon to spend some time at the Mustang rally. He has a four-day weekend so we're trying to fill our time up.

Now, for the record, Sturgis is where the bike rally is held every year-and its pretty much famous for that alone. The atmosphere in this town of 6,500 is just so different from what I'm used to. I had to snap a few pictures of the large "saloons" all over town. They're total biker bars-but they're right across from grocery stores and a McDonalds. Even though the rally is held each year at the beginning of August (and on average 500,000 people from around the states come to experience the drinking, bar fights, and crazy concerts) there are always bikers coming through. So its not uncommon to see a group of them hanging outside, smoking a cigarette and leaning on their Harley.

We watched a "parade" of Fords drive down Main Street revving their engine and doing burnouts (even as the police told them not to). We even saw a GT 500 KR, which my husband drooled over. My camera wasn't ready though, so I missed it. :( It's probably the only one I'll ever see to! Lame.

Anyway, we watched the parade and headed in to eat. There was restaurant toward the end of Main Street, that Matthew swore was amazing. We walked around the side and entered. Again, this is pretty much biker-town, and the inside totally fit that mold. We sat ourselves, found a highchair for Abby, and ordered. I noticed they didn't ask Matthew for his ID when he got a Fat Tire, but oh well. That's the way it is.

I realize how boring this may to be you all... but I really just wanted to talk about it. Because we always have fun together-even if its standing on the sidewalk with a tired baby and old men laughing at the stock-mustangs driving by. We enjoy ourselves. This is just what our family does, I guess. Find cheap (free) things to do, and do it. If you know anything about us, its that Matthew loves cars (and trucks, and jeeps... anything with an engine, really) so we do things that he likes. He liked watching the Shelby's rev up and zoom past the pedestrians, fishtailing a little as they burned their tires on the street. He cheered as smoke billowed up, and the engine sent a deafening roar and made our chests vibrate. We even laughed when Abby would clap, responding to the crowds cheers and excitement.

He's an amazing husband, and an amazing dad. We went to Sam's Club this afternoon for an icee, and walked around for samples. Everything he got, he'd bite in half and give to Abby. If it was too hot he'd blow on it. He even lets her drink out of his straw, and doesn't mind too much when he gets her chunks of backwash later. Matthew keeps her entertained; he's always finding new games and new ways to keep her happy. He's great with her. He's patient and kind, but he's learning to discipline quickly too. He has a great balance.

We shared our dinner with her, too. He gave her his sweet potato fries (which were amazing) and pieces of his rib tips. She's always quick to turn down what I'm offering (pieces of toast and chicken) for what he has. Even if we eat the same thing, she'd rather have it from his plate. I think it drives him nuts and makes him feel special all at the same time.

Plus, she's saying 'dada' now, which I know just thrills him every time he hears it. He always grins.

He's having a hard time with her turning one. We can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Something tells me he'll be feeling that baby fever here in the next two years or so. We're waiting, because its the best thing to do. But I know he misses when she was teeny-tiny and would sleep on his chest. He's a great dad. I can't say that enough. This is one of those things that just comes naturally for him. He was made to be a father.

As Of Late

My daughter is crawling as fast as she can-usually toward something she shouldn't have. She eats everything you put in front of her (including peas! That's my girl!) and she blabbers on and on with such a high-pitch
ed noise that it causes people outside the window to wince.

Some days she takes two naps. Some days she takes three, and one rare occasion she'll only take one. Those are the days that I count off the seconds until Matthew comes home, so I can hand off the fussy child and run the other direction.

She pulls herself up on everything (including her highchair, which has fallen over on her a few times now) and walks around while holding on (or at least touching). She bangs on every door (or piece of wood, or any hard surface really) and yells. She throws her food on the floor all the time, and I've even seen her throw a fit! I mean throwing herself to the ground, kicking her legs and hitting her head on the floor. Its pretty epic. Usually I laugh. Sometimes I scold. Most the time I pick her up and put her in her crib for some quiet time.

She's a handful. And hilarious, and its a joy to wake up to her calling "mama" every morning. Even when I don't sleep well, and I have a headache and the coffee pot won't work right. I love my little girl-who is growing up so fast that I can't keep up. I love her.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. -Jeremiah 29:11

This verse weighs heavy on my heart today, as it has all week. Each time I feel overwhelmed or worried, I hear it in my head "for I know the plans I have for you..." And my fear settles. My heart feels that peace that I so desperately need. I physically can't worry, because the Lord just keeps placing this verse on my heart. I can't be overwhelmed, I can't feed off those feelings. They don't stay in my heart.

I know that he has promised something great; a future. Plans for welfare. He holds it all in his hands, and he knows just what he's doing. There is great comfort in that.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. -The Message

That just puts into an easier view for a lot of people. Its the same verse, FYI. How can you not find comfort in that? How can that not put everything at ease? I know what I am doing. Why would I worry, when GOD (the creator of the universe) has it in his control?

He has a plan. I have a purpose. There is always a light at the end of each tunnel.

Plans to give you the future you hope for...

prayers?

Lord, guide my feet that I may walk the right path. Show me your plans, reveal the future to my blind eyes. Soften my heart, and release all the worries that drag me down. Comfort me, lift me up, give me the sense of peace that I yearn for.

Lord, teach me to trust in your ways. Remind me that you are good, and your intentions are great. Help me to put all trust, all hope, in you alone. Remind me that we do this together.

Lord, make my path known. Give me clear, precise answers. Give me black and white, yes and no.

Sick With An Infant

I've learned a few lessons over the past couple days...
1.) South Dakota weather will always ruin your plans. But crying over the fact that its raining and you can't go hike won't do any good. Instead you have to find something else fun for the whole family!
2.) Being deathly ill with a crawling baby is the hardest thing ever. How do you chase around an exploring infant when you're constantly heaving over the toilet?
3.) Not every supervisor in the Air Force is bad. A HUGE thanks to the guys at Matthew's work that covered for him so he could come home.
4.) My husband always has our best interest at heart. Even when it means driving home from work to care for his sick wife and his cranky baby.

I am blessed. Even though I spent almost the entire day yesterday feeling like crud, and barely able to eat or drink anything. And even though I went to bed that night missing my daughter because I was too sick to play and hold her. I am glad that my husband was there to help, to pick up the pieces, to be kind and supportive and understanding. And I am glad that Abby woke up the next morning feeling happy, and excited to see me again.

For the record, hearing your daughter screaming "mama" in her crib while you throw up, probably one of the worst feelings in the world!

Surviving California, and Montana, and four long car trips!

I'm exhausted. Abby has two new top teeth, and Matthew is already back to work. Its strange how quickly we settle back into normal life, after being gone for more than two weeks. All except Abigail, that is. Her schedule is still all sorts of messed up, and teething has been much harder this round. Her extended family spoiled her, and now she cries every time I set her down (even if its in my lap!). How am I supposed to get anything done? The diaper laundry is quickly piling up, and there are still so many clothes to fold and put away... dishes needing done, meals needing cooked...

I just got back from vacation and I feel like I need another vacation!

We had a wonderful time with both sides of the families. We are blessed beyond measure to have such support and encouragement from our loved ones. It makes me homesick to think about, so I'd rather breeze over the subject and move on...

We're still praying for guidance. That God would show us where He wants us to go. We won't be in Rapid forever (thank god!) but that opens some new doors that are almost scary.

I think Abby has finally finished crying and fell asleep... I guess I'll go do some laundry and drink some water because my headache is back.

Prepping To Leave

We're gearing up hardcore for our two week vacation. We leave in five days!
Yesterday I:
-got the oil and such changed (it took over an hour, with Abby, right during naptime!)
-decluttered the living room, dining room, and kitchen
-packed up all Abby's little things that she won't use before vacation (monitors, sunglasses, etc)
-successfully completed all laundry (including diaper laundry, baby laundry, adult laundry, bath towels and kitchen towels!)
-did two loads of dishes

Today I:
-vacuumed
-finished my latest book on my kindle. (Ok so that doesn't actually have anything to do with vacation...but I still did it!)

Hmmm... maybe I should go find something to do. Like pull out the suitcases and start semi-packing.

We have plans to clean out the car this weekend. And move the jumper out to the garage to help de-clutter our living room (Abby very rarely uses it anymore). Its sad to see her growing out of all her toys. If for no other reason than because we have to buy new things for her to play with now!

Oh, in baby news, she's finally fitting into some of the 6-9 month clothes! Yippee! New things to wear! I pulled everything out of that box that she can wear, but a lot of it was "winter" attire. So I guess I'll be shopping in California! Woohoo!

Health and Food Matters

I just watched Food Matters (on our amazing Netflix) and man was it eye opening! I feel hopeful today.

I don't want to go into huge detail, but I've been on and off of anti-depressants for two years now and they just don't seem to be working. I always just assumed that the only way to treat depression is by taking pills. And then I heard Andrew Saul PhD speak on it, and I felt my whole world get a little bit brighter.

Did you know that in even very severe cases of depression, when the patient was given Niocin (Vitamin B3) instead of the typical anti-depressants, that the symptoms literally disappeared? He talks about how he strongly, strongly believes that depression is simply a matter of being malnourished. He suggests eating fresh fruits and vegetables, organic, clean, healthy foods.

Its just fascinating to me. I've been putting pills in my body (that are incredibly damaging to your liver) because I thought it would make me better. But what I need to do is adjust my lifestyle and my eating. So I'm off to pick up the last few things I need for vacation, and extra vitamins.

One more crazy fact! Doctors warn that taking to many vitamins could be dangerous. Do you know that there were only ten cases of death that were "tied" to vitamins overdose in the past twenty three years? That's less than one death per year, and they couldn't even prove that it was a vitamin overdose that caused the death!

Want to know more? Check out Food Matters (all you really have to do is google it). There's a lot about cancer, and natural eating, and how foods really do arm your body to naturally fight off illnesses.

Where has all the time gone?

Abigail Renee is over nine-months old now. How does that even happen?
She weighed 15lbs 12oz at her doctor's appointment last week. As usual, everything checks out perfectly normal, and we were sent home with smiles. No shots even!

We have been so blessed with a healthy, strong, smart baby. She's tiny, but she's beautiful. She makes us laugh every day. And now she's actively crawling, pulling herself up, and cruising around the furniture. She absolutely adores being outside (just like her father) and we take her swimming 4-5 times a week. She likes to swing at the park across the street, and sit in the grass to watch the leaves shake on the trees. She's starting to really pay attention to music, and even tries to dance along some days. She's also finally learned to use a sippy cup! Its one with a straw, but at least it's not a bottle. I gave her some lemonade today in it, and she sucked it right down!

She feeds herself like an old pro, shoveling cereal, bread, puffs, anything she can get her hands on, into her mouth. I have to watch her really close, or else she'll pick up random things off the floor and try to eat them too. Especially my fabric scraps. What a crazy little girl!

Abby is amazing. She watches one episode of Go Diego Go, and always smiles at the songs. She's always reaching for mommy's glasses (and daddy's chest hair!) she just wants to explore everything she can. And we try to let her. Her favorite food right now is macaroni and cheese, she would probably eat it every day if we let her!

We show her pictures of the family all the time, I point out grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. And she loves to play with any toys musical. I have to thank Grandma Storey for giving her that dang rabbit. Its super loud, but she can't get enough of it.

Yes, we're blessed. And excited to watch her grow and develop. But sometimes after we've brushed her two (yes, two!) teeth and put her to bed, Matthew and I sit in the living room and wonder how time has gone so quickly. I swear it was yesterday that we were waiting anxiously at the hospital, watching MTV and guessing what she'd look like. And now here we are, already planning her birthday, and boxing up clothes she's long outgrown. We watch her learn and grow and move and its the biggest blessing ever. But with it comes that little twinge of pain, that we'll never get this time back. She'll never be that little again, and she'll never be this little again either. I'm reminded of how precious time is, how precious she is. How I want her to see the world, and learn everything she wants. We adore it. She's the light of our life, she's what we live for each day. She's the reason we get up, go to work, cook dinner, clean, do laundry, everything. She's our whole world, and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.

...Now that I've just written a whole book, I think I'll go finish sewing another dress. If you read that whole thing, thank you! We love you, and we appreciate all your support and prayers and encouragement.

I'm Here To Unload

I'm done. Some days I just hate the Air Force. I hate that Matthew is treated like crap for no good reason, except that his shop chief hates him. That's it. That's the only reason. He's being thrown under the bus for the simple fact that some stupid Master Sergent can't stand my husband.

My husband goes to work at least 15 minutes early. Every day. And he leaves late on average about 3 days a week. And he's an A1C! Its ridiculous! This man has no respect for my husband, our family, or our religion. He's a class-A jerkwad. My husband has very, very little paperwork, he's never been arrested, no DUIs, no Article-15's, no trouble with the law... He hasn't even had a ticket in almost 3 years! But STILL this man throws Matthew under the bus. He doesn't care that this is our future, our life, that he's dealing with. As long as he can climb that career ladder, he's happy.

The jerk.

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll Move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you

I found God today. I don't even know what to write, but I feel like I should say something. He is here, by my side, in my heart. In everything I do, everywhere I go, He is there.

I feel myself drowning some days. I feel a failure in so many ways. I feel myself drifting away. I'm not happy, I'm not at peace.

I found God today. In the middle of my heartache, chaos, and struggle. There He is. A beacon, a light in the darkest of times. He's always been there. I've been ignoring the call, but He is there. A constant. The only constant, it seems.

So here is my heart, God. Here is my life, here is my struggle, my hurt, my fear.

In You there's life everlasting
In You there's freedom for my soul,
In You there's joy, unending joy
and I will follow

For the first time in months I feel that freedom.

Some days I feel like such a failure. My house is never clean, the laundry is never complete... There are dirty dishes, a floor that needs swept, a toilet that needs cleaned... There are meals to be cooked, a baby to be fed and played with and laid down for a nap... I feel overwhelmed. This is my responsibility, and sometimes when I look around I realize I'm doing a miserable job. I just need to regain my motivation.

In other news... I'm sewing up a few more purses for my store opening on Saturday. Hopefully they sell! All the proceeds are going toward families affected by the Joplin tornado.

Alright, now I have to go pick up the living room and maybe load the dishwasher... And put the laundry away... and fold Abby's clothes... and start a load of diapers... And vacuum the dining room... Oh Tuesdays!

EDITED TO ADD:
Here's the checklist of what's been done! Because I'm excited and need to brag somewhere!

• Master Bathroom cleaned (including the sink, toilet and countertop)
• Dishwasher loaded
• Kitchen counters cleaned and scrubbed
• Kitchen floor swept and mopped!
• Computer area cleaned up (and even vacuumed!)
• One load of laundry completed
• One load of diaper laundry in the washer
• Folded clean diapers
• Made a menu for the next two weeks (everyone knows how much time that takes!)
• And I even cleaned out my coupon binder

I feel accomplished. I feel like I did something today. And I was still able to play with Abigail! Maybe I can do this!

How Humbling A God

Today we went to get the oil changed in our car. And while waiting, we looked at new SUV's. I've been wanting to "look" and "price" and "compare" for a while now. Some part of me thinks I need a bigger vehicle (even though we don't yet). Anyway, I threw a little bit of a fit when Matthew informed me that "no" we wouldn't be buying a new car today. I threw a fit about it! I pouted.

And then I came home (still pouting) and read an article on CNN.com about three or four different families in Joplin, MO. I read about how they reacted, what they did, where they hid, what they salvaged and lost.

And then it hit me. Here I am begging for a new car, that we can barely afford, and that we don't need. And there are people, back home, who have lost everything. Literally. They have the clothes and on their back, and if they're lucky a few family and friends who survived as well. They are lucky to even be alive. Who am I to beg and plead for a new car? Who am I to ask for anything at this point? I feel disgusted with myself. There are people hurting, suffering, in my hometown. And I want a freaking car!

Thanks God, for opening my eyes. I feel the size of a pea, but my heart again has a burning passion for You, and for helping those in Joplin.

The Tornado of Joplin

Last night around 6:00 pm a tornado struck my hometown. I grew up here, my earliest memories are in this city. Needless to say, it hits close to home. I didn't sleep well last night because of this.

I have to say that so far everyone we know is safe. But it took out a good chunk of the main strip. The tornado itself was at least 1/2 mile wide, and ran along the ground for 6 miles. It tore up a hospital, schools, businesses (Wal-Mart, Home Depot, IHOP, etc) and homes. Please pray with me and my family as we mourn for our prior home.

I wish I could be there, I really do. If there was a way for me to be down there, I would be there in a heartbeat. My heart aches for you, Joplin. You are loved, and you are in my prayers. May God lift you up, comfort you, and reunite the families that are in panic and fear.

The Face of Fear

Usama is dead. And there is a lot of talk about it recently, so I thought I should sit down and share my opinion. I understand that there are people who are very offended that we're celebrating his death. "Death should not be celebrated", "he went to hell, how can we rejoice in that?" I understand these viewpoints, but I'm not sure I agree. I know that he is dead, and yes it is a tragedy. But honestly, how many lives have we saved by killing him? They were planning an attack for the 10th year anniversary of September 11th. More lives would have been lost. We've cleared the world of a powerful terrorist. And yes, I am sad that his soul was "wasted". But I don't believe anything would have saved him anyway! He hated us, with a deep and strong hatred.

Maybe I'm off here. I know that we're supposed to beat them with love. But there's also a time for war and a time for peace. They attacked us. They killed innocent people. They laughed in our faces and celebrated our sorrows. And you want us to just let him walk? Justice, people. God serves it in different forms. This week he served it through some very brave Navy SEALS. And a president, who after all this time, has finally done something right.

Baby Talk

Abby's started saying a few words. "Yum" came first, and she only uses it when she's eating foods that she likes. It always makes Matthew and I smile! And in the morning she says "hi!" to whoever gets her out of bed.

I think she's saying "mom" but Matthew is denying it. I think he wants to hear "dadda" first. So we're working on it.

I think its crazy that she's talking already though! I know she's vocal. But man, she doesn't even crawl yet. Geez. Time just needs to slow down a little.

Do you ever feel like the whole world is slowly crashing down on you? Like you're drowning? The water just rising higher and higher, and you're fighting with every ounce of strength just to keep your head above the water? That's me tonight. Hell, that's me a lot of nights.

Some nights I wonder where God is, what He's doing, if He's even paying attention. Some nights I want to just give up, to stop everything and rest. Some nights...

Some nights I really have to remind myself that God is still on his throne.

Easter

Today was Abby's first Easter. We were able to spend the weekend with Matthew's two younger sisters, and it was such a blessing. I know Abigail enjoyed having her aunts here to celebrate with her.

We woke up in the morning (Abby Ren woke both daddy and I up at 5:45) and cuddled in bed for a while. Mostly because Cara and Amy were sleeping on the couches in the living room... but it was still nice. Then we made coffee and cinnamon rolls, showered, and got all dressed up for church. Abby "opened" her Easter baskets (there was one from mommy and daddy, and another from grandma and grandpa Collins). She really liked all the snacks!

Then it was off to church. I really enjoyed it. I always do. Our pastor is so honest and down-to-earth. You really feel like he's just another guy in the world; similar struggles, similar walk, that sort of thing. A lot of people gave their life to Christ. It was great to see.

Other than that we hung out at the house for a little bit... Abby took a long nap this afternoon, and then we went for a nice walk around the park. It was sunny and warm and breezy. Abigail loved it. She's just like her dad; always enjoys being outdoors. She really likes sitting in her stroller too (since she's big enough to be in it without her carseat).

I am just reminded of how blessed I am. A great, loving husband. A beautiful, happy daughter. A giving, sacrificing, loving, perfect Savior. Who not only died for my sins, but beat death and is victorious over all sin. What an amazing life I lead!

What To Do... Where To Go...

Some days I feel like all I have are options, and no leader to show me which to choose. Abby Ren is sleeping (without a fight, might I add!) so I thought I'd sit down and share my feelings. It may be long, so settle in!

I miss working. Hands down. I resent my husband because he gets to get out every day and go to work. And he hates it. But I miss it. I love my daughter to death, she's amazing and perfect and one of the biggest blessings in my life. But honestly, I feel short-changed. I feel like I got the short end of the stick, because I have to stay home now. I mean, part of me wants to, for her. I need to. Its the best thing for my daughter, and I know that. But I still feel that tug, that pull that tells me I would rather be working. And I wonder constantly if its God or the other side. Am I supposed to be working, and I'm too stubborn to listen? Or is Satan blocking the bigger picture from my view?

Maybe I'm being selfish... I hate all the questions, I hate not knowing.

Oh the Turmoil

No matter what happens, God is on His throne. He cares about each bird that falls, he knows every hair on my head, and I know He will keep us safe.

I remind myself of this as we go through a rough patch. Our next paycheck will be cut in half, and it may be a while until we get another one... I am worried. I am worried sick. We have bills, and mouths to feed. What about Abigail? I promised her a highchair after the 15th...

I'm mad. I'm mad at the government. Here we are, busting our butts and sacrificing for our country. We get paid crap anyway. My husband risks his life for these high-and-mighty men up there arguing over Planned Parenthood. But do they care? Nope. As long as they get their money and things go their way, that's all that matters. Whatever sacrifices other "normal" people have to make, well, that's their own damn problem I guess.

Where's the justice?

There is a God. Somewhere, up there, He is watching all this. And we are in His hands. This is in His hands.

Thank-You God

After nearly two years of living in this state, I am finally beginning to make friends. There's a playgroup on base every Wednesday morning that Abby and I go to. There are four or five other babies her age, which is great. And so many amazing, supportive moms! I was so worried they would all be crazy. So far they are not! Most of the women I met before this were all cheating on their husbands during deployments, partying, having keggers, doing stuff that I don't really do. At all. Ever. So to finally see that there are normal, stable people in the Air Force is very refreshing. I mean, some of these women have been married to the same man for 20 years! Did you now the divorce rate in the Air Force is 90%? Yeah. Even worse? The divorce rate for my husbands job is 98%. We have a 2% chance of making it. How discouraging, right? Especially when you watch couple after couple after couple split only two or three years in. It sucks!

So to finally meet women who are dedicated to their husbands, their families, and the Air Force, is amazing. Its refreshing and encouraging. To know I'm not the anomaly. There are women who are faithful to their spouse, who pour their heart and soul into their children. Women who stay at home, who cloth diaper, who budget well. Women like me. There are other people out there like me!

Sigh. I have friends. Ok, maybe not *yet* but its headed that direction. And Abigail will have friends. That's so important, I want her to socialize. Alright, its freezing so I'll go turn up the heat and put the dishes away. Thanks for my crazy rant!

A God Night

Father, let the world just fade away
Let me feel your presence in this place
Lord, I've never been so weary
How I need to know you're near me
Father, let the world just fade away
Till I'm on my knees,
Till my heart can sing
He is, He was, He always will be.

I am reminded tonight that God is faithful.
That when all else seems to be falling down around me, He stands strong.
That with a life that changes as the wind, my savior is my constant.
What a comfort that is to me, tonight. With my heart in turmoil, aching with a pain that I cannot tune out. With a heavy heart I pray, I cry out. And I feel no walls, no bitter silence. But love. Peace. A peace that warms my heart and comforts my very soul.

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

What a beautiful life, to be loved so greatly. To be cared for so intently. To know, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what the mistakes, you will always be wanted. How blessed, I must be, to know what I know. I cannot imagine how meaningless I would feel, if I did not know my Savior. How small, unimportant, I would feel day after day. I would view myself as even more of a failure than I do already. I find great comfort in knowing my Lord in such a personal way.

When Did I Become My Mother?

Every woman must ask herself this at one point in time, I swear. I am reminded multiple times a day just how much I have become my mom. I'm little miss Susie Homemaker here. If you had told me three years ago that I would be making my own baby food, sewing our own clothes (and Swiffer covers, and curtains, and potholders...), using cloth diapers, and clipping coupons.... well, I probably would have laughed in your face. I am my mother. I take what I have, and I run with it. You can always make something out of nothing. That is what my mom taught me.

Money doesn't build happiness, family builds happiness. I see this in my daily life now. When Abigail is grown and gone, she won't remember things like the brand of clothes she wore, or how nice the food was that is on our table. She'll remember eating as a family every night, and playing games with daddy. My mom has taught me that time goes fast, and to cherish it. That what you do with your time matters, and how you spend your time with your children reflects who they become as adults.

My mom was always there. She was always home, always lending a listening ear. And she always had the answer to any question. I see now how much she sacrificed for me, for my sisters. I see now how rewarding it all was. She has three beautiful, healthy, daughters. Who are happy and strong in the Lord and making her proud.

I hope I'm just like my mom, because she's the best mom ever.

Oh boy

Parenthood is very...adventurous. Some days I just look around my house and wonder how I got here. Maybe that sounds strange. But I see the baskets of laundry that either needs folded, or put away, or washed. I see the dishes that need done, the floors that need swept or vacuumed and the toilets that need cleaned. And as of late, I hear a screaming baby every waking moment! And wonder what I ever did before I was a mom.

I will never know what it feels like to be bored again. I don't think I'll ever know what it feels like to be caught up! The list of things that needs done is always much longer than the hours in the day.

And I'm happy. Wonderfully, blissfully so. We are blessed beyond measure, with this precious little baby girl. And all the time, all the energy in the world, could never replace her. She's the best thing in my life. Even when she cries herself to sleep at night, or flings baby cereal across the room. I wouldn't trade one day.

Rapid, Home, Church

Rapid City frustrates me. I've been so cranky all week, and so unhappy of where we are. I feel restless. I feel like Rapid City isn't home, like it never really will be. And why? This is where Matthew and I started our lives together, this is where Abigail was born even!

Well, I think I know why. I just feel a little embarrassed to admit it. We've been living in this area for over a year and a half now, and we're still not plugged into a church. It should have been our number one focus, our first goal. But for some reason, it took a backseat to everything else. We've been going to church, but not regularly, and we still only know 2 or 3 people from there. My husband is so shy... he just wants to go in, and get out. He's fine being anonymous, another face in the crowd. The problem is, I'm not. At all.

I'm lonely and I'm homesick. The only friend I have here, while an amazing person, is kind of a hermit. I know there's some sort of socializing, some sort of life, that I'm missing out on out there in Rapid. I just have to find it...

And maybe I'm a little lazy. Maybe I use Abby as an excuse. "Oh well, we can't go because we have the baby". Bull crap. There are people we could leave her with, if we really wanted to. I just don't. I want to be in high school again, where all I had to worry about were my shoes and my hair.

But reality is that I'm a wife, a mother, and in a lifestyle where we'll probably move around a little bit. I'm going to have to get used to the "settling in" routine. I'm going to have to get off my high horse, or out of my "wall flower" persona, and talk to people. For my own sanity. But more importantly, for my little girl. She needs to socialize with children her own age.

My head is spinning... we're off to try a new church this morning, and praying it all goes well. We've really enjoyed the church we're at now, but we know there's just no place for us there. Its a little tough, because I love the worship and the messages, and the few people that we do know. I love that its comfortable. But I know God is calling us in a different direction. So finally, I'm shutting up and listening.