Potty Training: Day One!

Ok so technically we "started" potty training yesterday, but it was more of just an introduction and less of me being dedicated.  She didn't go pee-pee on the potty at all, but she would ist there for a couple minutes without fussing or crying.  So that's progress, right?  Today she's completely naked, and we're working on her just recognizing the feeling of needing to go.  I've learned that she's much more likely to go pee-pee if she has nothing on her bottom, not even underwear.  So that's the route we're taking.  100% bare bottom, with a little potty in the living room and an insert for the "big" toilet in the guest bathroom.   Its a process.  I'm trying hard not to be frustrated or discouraged.  She just doesn't know.  She hasn't learned to tell when she needs to go, or that she can't go in her pants anymore.  Its like training... she's not going to get it overnight.  Just because its natural for me doesn't mean its common sense to her.  We have a chart on the wall with stickers, for when she DOES actually go IN the potty; and candy in the cupboard.  Of course she hasn't gone in the potty yet, so she doesn't really know these exist, or what they're for.  But we'll get there!  I'm hoping to catch her making a mess and run her to the potty to at least get a couple dribbles in.

And, after all, it IS only day one!

Its A Girl!

That's right!  We went in for our ultrasound yesterday, and our awesome doctor told us that I was right. :)  We're having a second baby girl, and we're thrilled.  Well, I think Matthew will have to warm up to the idea a little bit, but we were just happy that baby is healthy.  I told her about my sister in law losing her baby in December due to Triploidy, and she understood why I was so tense and nervous.  I know that the odds are so incredibly small, but when you see someone you know go through that it makes it all the more real that those things do happen to normal people.   Anyway, baby is healthy, growing right on track.  She's in the 48th percentile, so she really is right on track.  We were just glad to hear there was only one!

We were a little worried at first that she wouldn't show us anything.  She had her legs crossed AND her hand covering that area.  But we got all the measurements of everything and then I rolled over on my side to try and get her to move.  We did finally see that it was a girl, but my doctor never could get pictures of the spine or profile, so we have another ultrasound next month.  That's ok with me!  I love seeing my little bug in there!

As for names, we have no idea.  We had a boy name all picked out and ready, but we never could really decide on a girls name.  Matthew likes Bentley or Willow for a girl.  I like Elizabeth.  We'll see what happens... we may end up with a different name completely.

Motherhood

I've discovered something.  Being a stay-at-home-mom is not easy.  Not for me, anyway.  It doesn't feel very rewarding or significant or life-changing.  Its just feels... boring.  The same routine day after day after day.  The same dirty diapers, dirty laundry, dirty floors, dirty hands... Its all very mundane.

I started reading Dr James Dobson's book Bringing Up Girls a few nights ago after a particularly rough and depressing day.  Honestly, I was browsing my Kindle for something more geared toward stay at home moms vs working moms, but this what I settled on.  Must've been God.  The point is, reading the book has made me feel a little bit like I'm doing something good.  Oh I know, its not ending world hunger or anything like that, but I like to think that I'm bettering my daughter and her future.  The truth is being a parent, you don't see instant changes or rewards.  They come slowly.  Its like constantly working toward a long-term goal; you often feel like you're failing, like you're never going to get there.  That's exactly how I feel almost every day.

And then I see my daughter picking up new words every hour, repeating back to me whatever I ask.  She said "hungry" and "thirsty" today, and it just warmed my heart.  I know, to most people that sounds insignificant and small.  But I taught her that.  I taught her to walk, to talk, to kiss, to wave... I mean, God taught her that, but through me.  Her little words remind me that I do have a purpose and reason for being here, day after day, dedicating my life to something that seems... boring.  I may not always like that I'm a stay at home mom, I may see it as more of a challenge than a priviledge, but God sees it differently.  And maybe some day so will Abigail.  All I know is that today I woke up with renewed strength, with a goal in mind to not try and make everything perfect, but just to enjoy being a mom with a 19-month-old running around the house.

All that Parenting Brings

God has really layed a few things on my heart this week.  I applied for a job at Starbucks that I really wanted, and honestly thought I would get.  And I didn't.  And it hurt.  I was really upset about it.  Probably more upset than I should have been.  I blame it on the pregnancy.

Anyway, I really was mad at God.  Why would He put all that hope in me, just to have it crushed?  Why would He send me in for an interview, if I wasn't going to get the job?  And I realized something as I was sobbing under the covers at two in the afternoon.  I'm finding my identity in all the wrong things.  Before I had Abigail I found who I was in my job; a supervisor at Starbucks.  After I had Abigail I found who I was by being an Air Force wife and a mom.  I guess having both a career and the military stripped of me has really made me second guess myself.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What good am I doing?

Sound too deep and philisophical?  God just really spoke to me, He told me that my identity is not in Him anymore.  And shouldn't it be?  Shouldn't I say, when asked who I am, that I am a Child of God first?  Well, I don't.  When someone asks me who I am I tell them I am a wife and a mother, which sounds so insignificant and boring.  That's how exactly how I feel most days; insignificant and boring.  And then I feel guilty, because that makes my family sound insignificant to me, which they aren't.  But feeling this way makes me feel guilt too.

So in the midst of asking God who I am last night, I really felt His pressence, asking me who has impacted my life the most?  My mom is the answer, hands down.  My stay-at-home, homeschooling, cooking-dinner-every-night, devoted-to-her-family, mom.  She's always loved the Lord with everything in her.  She's pushed herself out of comfort zones, put aside her own personal desires and dreams, and just woke up each morning wanting to serve her children and husband.  She was always there.  When I needed to talk, when I had a question, when my math was too hard... And I remember her in the kitchen a lot.  In my mind, my mom is successful; without fame, without a career, without millions of dollars.  She raised all three children right, they all graduated with great grades, they all follow the Lord, and they're all following in her footsteps one way or another.  How is that not success?

So I guess, that's my destiny too.  Or something like it.  Being a parent is important, it is changing lives (albeit on a smaller level), and its why I'm here.  To be a good, devoted wife, who loves and supports.  Someone who keeps the house clean and the food made and the laundry done.  To be a good mom, who keeps things fun and educational and safe.  Maybe I'm not actually losing myself, maybe my passions and goals have just changed over the past two years.  Maybe that's okay.

Civilians

Its amazing how much can change in a few short weeks.  Its been a little over a month since I last posted, and part of me doesn't even feel like the same person.  So where do I begin?

Matthew has a job.  An amazing job, with awesome men.  He comes home from work in a good mood, he's not stressed or angry or bitter anymore.  He's with men that understand what the military has done to us and to him.  They are Christians, and they have really embraced and encouraged him.

We have a house.  It is wonderful and perfect.  It is the size we need, in a great location, and it has an awesome backyard that the dogs (and Abby) love!  Its right across from the college, so I see my little sister quite a bit.  Plus, all the good places to eat are within walking distance (including frozen yogurt!)

I'm still pregnant.  I had a doctors appointment last week, and everything looks good so far.  We find out next month whether this little one is a boy or a girl.  I still am convinced its a girl, and Matthew is dead set that it's a boy.  We'll have a gender-reveal party with family and some close friends, just to celebrate.  We don't need or want anything from them, except to rejoice in another little miracle.

All in all, I would say that we are great.  I laugh at myself a lot, because we fought God against coming home and against leaving the military.  And here we are, happier than we've ever been!  Being a civilian is like getting your freedom back.  Its like we're able to finally live our lives without some moron breathing down our necks.  I don't have to worry about getting leave for a weekend to go to Denver, even though he already has those days off.  I don't have to worry about his "bad news" that he comes home with (because he doesn't come home with any!), I don't have to stress about money for another three years until his next stripe, I don't have to worry about deployments or IEDs or PTSD or stupid paperwork.  Its freedom.  And as any good American knows, with freedom comes happiness.

So we're happy.  We're healthy.  We're doing better than we ever have before, and its all thanks to our Lord, who didn't listen when we begged to stay in the Air Force.

No More

As of today at 2:00 pm my husband is no longer active duty Air Force. I am no longer a military wife. We no longer have a job. We no longer have a home. Its a mixture of relief and fear, I think.

I still know without a doubt that this is what God wants. I really, really feel like He is leading us away from the Air Force for a reason. But I also know in my heart that He is leading us toward something bigger and better. We just have to get there.

I've been a reading a book on my Kindle called The Promise: How God Works All Things Together for the Good, its by Robert J. Morgan. I honestly don't know how I came across the book, but I'm so glad I did. Its really put my heart at peace with everything going on.

The book is based on Romans 8:28: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Its really just comforting to me.

The other verse that God has really laid on my heart is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

I think it speaks for itself. I just, I know that these are promises. I know that God doesn't break a promise. And I know that He knows what He's doing, even if I don't. I have to trust that He is in control, and that He has something better planned for us in the [near] future.

Eight Days Left in Rapid City

What We Will Miss in Rapid City

• The beautiful hills
• Firehouse Grill
• All our friends
• Black Hills Bagels on Sunday mornings
• Project Church

What We Look Forward to in Junction

• Being closer to family and friends
• A nicer Walmart!
• The Rockies and all the hiking and biking they have to offer
• Less wind
• Olathe sweet corn
• Munchies

Ok, so I was laying in bed last night trying to wrestle my emotions. We're so excited to be leaving, but also sad to leave all this behind. Rapid City really is a great area, and its been very good to us. We've made a home here, we have a church here that we call our family, and we have routines, favorite places... There's so much here that we're leaving.

And I have to remind myself to stay positive. Moving back home is what's best for the family. We know that without a doubt. This is where God wants us, so this is where we're going. Without a job, without our own home, without... any stability. Other than knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for us.

So here's what the next few days look like for us (mostly me).

1. Movers come on the 12th to box everything up and put it on the truck! All this stuff won't even go into storage until April 4th, so we have no access to these things for about 3 weeks. As a result I have to pack a LOT into a tiny car so that we can live.
2. After the movers take everything we're staying in TLF (the hotel on base) until we move. That's about four days living out of a mini fridge and microwave. Awesome. It'll be an adventure, that's for sure!
3. Cleaners come on the 13th. I really almost didn't hire cleaners at all, but the fact that I'm pregnant hinders me a lot. I can't use oven cleaners, or bleach, or any chemical cleaning products.
   
4. The carpet cleaners are coming on the 14th, and that's about all that's going on that day. It'll probably only take them an hour or two.
   
5. We out process with the housing office on the 15th. Its scheduled for 9 am, but I'm thinking it'll only take an hour or two. After that Matthew has a lot of out-processing to do with the military... its mostly paperwork and briefings. I don't understand it, I just go with it.
6. We leave early on the 16th! Driving all day, with a toddler and a drugged-up dog, in a small car... I'm a little worried about the car ride. It'll be OK! Its just a means to an end... and the 12 hour drive is totally worth it.
   

Moving and Butterflies

Our final leave date is March 15, 2012. We'll be leaving Rapid City on this day. And I'm nervous. Maybe even scared.

So many changes...

This is the only place we've lived as married couple, and as a family.
This is the only job we've had since we've been married. The military is all we know.
I feel like there's so much we're leaving behind... there's so many memories here. We're stepping out of our comfort zone, and moving away from everything that connects us.

That's not true. What connects us is our love, our passion for God, and our intense goal to raise a godly and honorable family. But it feels like our whole marriage is here in Rapid. Our home church is here, Abby's doctor is here, all of our friends are here. Even our favorite bagel place is here. And we're leaving it all behind.

But that's what God is calling us to do. To move back to our roots, to settle down closer to our parents. To find a new job, a new way, a new path.

We still have so many prayer requests... So many unanswered questions.

• We need a job that will support us as a family
• Matthew takes his test again tomorrow, on Tuesday. So we're really, really praying he passes!
  
• We need a house
• We need a job with insurance that will accept "preexisting conditions"
• We're eventually going to need things; a double stroller, a bigger vehicle (our car will NOT fit two car seats, no matter how hard we try!), a toddler bed or another crib...
  
• We need funds to a) move, b) pay for carpet cleaning, house cleaner, and hotel room. We have money in savings for this, but I'm worried about depleting our savings if we don't have a job set up yet.

There is fear. There is uncertainty. There is anxiety. There's a whole path that we're turning on to, and it feels like its pitch black and our headlights are out. And its December over Vail pass. That's how I feel some days.

I have to remind myself that God is in control, and regardless we are blessed. We have a place to go, family to stay with, people to support and encourage and help us along.

Abigail: The Picky Eater

A lot of you may remember Abby last summer eating everything in sight. Eggs, salsa, bacon, peas, watermelon... You name it, and she would eat it. Things have changed. My daughter, in general, has changed. My sweet little baby is now a stubborn, fit-throwing toddler. Awesome.

She has a small list of things she will eat, and if what I fix isn't on that list, then its hell. I mean fits, throwing things, throwing herself on the ground, screaming, rolling, crying... Its not pretty, guys. I'm constantly trying to find creative ways to feed her the same ol' stuff. Here's what she eats so far:
Quesadillas (I give her salsa to dip them in)
Mac and Cheese
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
Lunch meat with cheese and crackers
Grapes
Peas
Corn
Bread (I can give her soup and sometimes she'll dip the bread in soup)

She won't eat pizza anymore to save her life. Sometimes she eats dry cereal, but not often. She won't eat yogurt or granola or oatmeal. Or pancakes anymore. The list of things she doesn't like is ridiculous! She won't eat chicken or beef or pork. But she will eat BBQ from Famous Daves! She won't eat potatoes or carrots or squash...

I've just been struggling with feeding her! Do I force her to eat what she doesn't like? Because if I don't fix anything else then she just won't eat. And she goes to bed hungry, which means waking up at 10 or 11 at night and starving. But then she still won't eat what I fixed her for dinner! Such a battle... Having a toddler is hard work!

Am I Defending Myself, Really?

I hope that people understand by reading this blog that we are consulting God with every decision we're faced with. We've prayed a lot about every detail of this move. From Matthew's job, to our home, to where we're supposed to be. We pray about the ability to pack and stay organized, that it would be an easy transition for Jasmine and Abby. We pray about all of it. Daily.

We feel led to Junction. We looked other places for months. We checked out Cheyenne, which was originally where we wanted to be. We looked all over Colorado and Utah. But God keeps calling us back to Junction.

Does it look like we're taking the easy route by moving back home? Probably. But we're not doing it because its easier. In a lot of ways its going to be more difficult! But we want what is best for our family, including our daughter. We want her around her extended family. We want Abigail to have a personal relationship with her grandparents and her aunts and uncles... even her cousins.

And I do miss home. So does Matthew. Its hard being so young with a toddler and newly married and doing all this on our own. Its a struggle every day. Yes, sometimes I do need help. Does that make me a bad mother?

We know what we're doing. We know that the decisions we make are not easy, or something to be made in a hasty manner, or simply off of our feelings. We ruled out Grand Junction for a very long time because I knew that's where my heart was. I didn't want my feelings to get involved and mess everything up.

All I can say is what I know. God is calling us home. He isn't calling us to Cheyenne or Denver or Salt Lake or even Texas! And I don't know why, but I know it is His will. I know that above all God knows more than we do, and He sees the bigger picture.

Grand Junction

Matthew and I are still praying about where God wants us. I would love to be back in Junction, but my husband is a little hesitant. We're still searching for a job. Not just any job, but one that fits with our family dynamic, that can support us, and that won't make Matthew work obscene hours. We're also praying for a home. My heart is set on buying. It would be cheaper (month-to-month) and then we could easily keep the dogs.

On top of all that, Abby is walking up a storm. And we moved her crib into a toddler bed (sniff, sniff). We've been contemplating trying for another baby here in the next year or so... But it just depends on where God puts. The pay, the house, the room, the timing.

I'm homesick. I miss my family every single day. I cry when I put Abby to bed, because I know they're missing out on her whole life. And she's missing out too. I want her to know her grandparents, her aunts and uncles, and her cousins. I want her to recognize who she is and where she's come from. I know that our families will be a great influence, and addition to our parenting techniques. We are so blessed to have amazing parents and siblings, and we want Abigail to feel those same blessings.

I think Grand Junction will always have my heart. Its where I met Matthew: its where I fell in love. My best friend lives there, my mom, my sisters and their kids... My amazing, supportive in-laws are there... The more I think about it, the more that's where I want to be. I know that its a good place to raise a family, I know that Abby will be safe there. Plus, they have a Chick Fil A!

Ultimately we will go where God leads us. I just really, really hope that God leads us back home.

So Here's Where We Are

No job lined up yet, we're still praying about where God wants us. There are so many possibilities! Matthew really wants a job in the police force, but a lot of the positions require a bachelors degree. We're praying about it. If we can find a job that doesn't require a degree, or prior experience, that'd be perfect (and, to be more specific, not in a big city like Denver). If not, we'll take another job that will support us and Matthew will use his GI bill to get a bachelors in Criminal Justice. He's also still working on getting his CDL. There are a couple jobs in Colorado that are hiring, its a city job so the benefits are really good. And by the description, its something he said he'd enjoy.

We're also still looking into buying a house. But its a bit of a process, so we're praying about that too. We can get a VA loan pretty easily, I think. Its just jumping through hoops, paperwork, and of course finding a house. The market is perfect if you're buying though; everything is cheap!

We're still looking in Cheyenne, but we've recently opened our minds a little bit. We're looking Colorado... Anywhere but Denver, really. We applied for a position in Vail, two in Aurora, one in Colorado Springs. We'll just see where God leads us, honestly.

Another option is waiting and applying to the Highway Patrol in April (Wyoming is hiring in April, Colorado isn't hiring until June). Obviously we'd have to take a job until we get on with the highway patrol, if we even get the job.

...There's just so many options, and so much going on. We're exhausted!

But Matthew told me a couple days ago that he's actually excited. It looks like we'll probably be making more once we're out of the military, so that's cool. I'm just glad that he's not so angry about it anymore. I think he's finally moving forward. Its a good thing, trust me.

Abby and I are living out our days pretty normally. Our puppy is a pain in the butt! She barks at everything! And lately she's been laying on the couch. Ugh!

Its bath time here tonight, so I'd better go get Abby out of her highchair before she throws her plate of food on the floor. (Did I mention I made P.F. Chang's Coconut Curry Vegetables for dinner? Yum city!)

We have been so blessed to live here for the first three years of our marriage, and I am so thankful for the relationships we have developed. All of our friends have been so understanding and helpful and encouraging through all of this. Seriously, every person we know here has really helped us through this. We are so thankful for having this experience!