ten weeks, ladies

I'm now at ten weeks, and wow, am I ever tired. I always swore I would be one of those people who loved being pregnant... I think that's impossible now. I was talking to one of my employees last week about this, saying "I cant imagine doing this for another seven months!" I'm holding on to the hope that all this goes away by the end of the first trimester. I've kept most of my food down today, which means success. And the doctor I saw today (Dr. Ballard, who is male and made everything very relaxed for both me and Matt) told me I can take two children's vitamins with iron if the prenatals are causing problems. I also discovered no more cereal, dairy, OR orange juice. There goes my entire breakfast... I've been having bagels with peanut butter, or a muffin from work. I'll probably try to substitute apple juice too and see if that helps at all.

I'm craving a lot of pickles, and anything with peanut butter automatically sounds good. Fresh fruits too, melons especially. My poor husband probably thinks I'm insane by this point. I get a food in my head and I have to have it. Poor guy, he's been so understanding and supportive, getting up in at 2 am for a cup of water, and leaving the house at 11:30 in the evening for root beer.

I'm still trying to guess what the sex of the baby will be too. I think we've settled on another boy's name. His family would SO excited for a girl, and my family would be overjoyed with a boy. We'd be happy with either, and the thought of even having a baby is enough to make us both grin from ear to ear.

I'm beginning to feel more prepared, or maybe its just my mood today. I feel like I know what I'm getting into now, at least a little more than I did before. I'm still scared to death of taking care of this baby for three months by myself, with Matt across the world doing who knows what. But we recently found out that most likely he'll be in a non-hostile environment, although possibly still in Iraq. We're just praying very hard that he is placed somewhere safe, but it sounds like there's a pretty good chance he'll be staying on the base and not driving convoys anymore. Which would be so incredibly nice, to know he's not in the middle of nowhere being shot at and driving over IED's.

Plus, I've got Megan down the street from me. She has been a HUGE help, and I know she'll just continue to bless me over these next months. She's already committed to coming over and helping with Baby, and walking the dogs with me. I'm so thankful God placed her not only at Starbucks, but two blocks from my home! She's such a huge support for me, and I can't imagine what I'd be doing without her at this point.

We're STILL trying to decide on a boy's name, Matt's decided he doesn't like Ephraim at all. So I'm letting go of it (although I LOVE the name). We're still debating between three or four, and I just pray that we have one picked out before the baby arrives! Or that its a girl... I'm still undecided on what I want in that department too. Honestly, it really doesn't matter to me. I'm just so excited to be supporting a living, breathing thing inside my body right now.

I went out and bought some maternity clothes yesterday, and I'm excited about them! They're so incredibly cute, and will look great when summer comes around and my belly is really getting big.

We have a guy moving in with us for a month or two, since his lease is up and his roommate is moving in with another guy, he doesn't have a place to go for a while. So we wont be setting up, or painting, the nursery for another couple of weeks. I'm hoping this is REALLY temporary, because I would like everything to be done and taken care of before Matt deploys. If I can't find out what the baby is exactly, then I want everything else set up and put together so Megan and I won't have to try and do it all by ourselves.

moving on with time.

I'm scared. All these emotions are drowning me, and I know its just in part to being pregnant and having my hormones adjusting. Matt won't be here for the last, and hardest, trimester. He won't be here for the birth, or for the first three months of parenthood. I have to do this on my own, this baby is really my responsibility. He won't be here to get up and feed in the middle of the night if I'm too tired, or take the baby from my arms when I feel like falling apart.

There are all these "what-ifs" that constantly run through my head, and my heart just can't take much more of it. I don't trust myself to do this. And I have to. I don't have a choice, this is my life, this is my future. I feel so unprepared, so helpless. What if our marriage isn't strong enough yet to withstand a child? What if something happens while he's deployed? Will the baby still recognize and take to him, even though he isn't there for the first three months? I don't want this baby to not have an attachment to its father, or to not know him.

I feel so fearful and weak today. I know that my strength should be in the Lord, because He will carry me through this. Its just easier to say than it is to really believe at this point. I want to, I want to be strong and have that unwavering faith, I just don't yet.

I need to build my faith sometimes, But i am so comfortable in line, I'm up there's no more time, To try to mess with this design. I'll be your hand take me as I am, I just wanna be with you, Take me as I am, cause I'm going, I was too scared to start now I'm too scared to let go, Take me as I am, Cause I'm growing, but its so hard to tell when I'm not used to this

That's exactly how I feel, only this time I'm relying on someone stronger than me. This time I won't try to do it by myself, or just with Matt. This time its the three of us, together, getting through this pregnancy, and a lifetime commitment of parenthood. All of this is still so new to me, and I feel this pressing urgency on my heart to get things right with my Savior before I begin to raise a child. I refuse to be a bad parent, and I refuse to raise my baby in a bad home. If I have to fight every day to ensure that they are safe and in a healthy relationship with God, then I'll do it. For myself, for them, and for their generation. At this point, I'm responsible for this baby. Right now most of it is health wise, their development and growth. But soon, very soon, it will be a daily spiritual battle for both me and my husband. I won't be on the losing side, on the wrong side, or be easily persuaded. I don't see this as being easy, I just see a Father who loves me too much to let me walk away, and a husband who is too dedicated to ever change my mind.

With everything in me I'm starting over, clearing this path before me, and moving with firm steps in my Lord.

A rant.

This week has been crazy, insane, overwhelming. We've got a new puppy in the house, my stomach is getting bigger and bigger with every day, and my time with my husband is rapidly closing in on us. I'm worried and stressed, I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders and I'm reacting to it in the wrong ways. So today, here I sit, listening to some random artist that my sister was talking about. Turns out they're really good, of course, and its helping to calm my nerves. I want to drop everything today and run after God with everything in me. I don't want to live in the now, I don't want to focus on everything going wrong, I just want to worship and praise and love. I want to be whole again.

I have a chance, now, to change who I am, to change who I will be. To change the mother I am rapidly becoming. I want to take that chance, I want to jump off that cliff and on this band wagon and just go with it. I'm so done being ashamed, being embarrassed, and being quiet about what I believe. I've been quiet for way too long already. I miss my passion, my drive, I miss having that fire lit under me. I know that I don't have any chances for a missions trip or a Christian retreat to re-light what I've lost. I have to do it on my own this time. No holds barred, I'm letting go and moving on. I'm stepping forward for the first time in a long time, not just for me, but for my husband and for my baby.

baby baby baby

So I after being in the hospital on Saturday (LONG story, that basically was a false alarm) the gave me a vaginal ultrasound (ouch!) that told me I was 6 weeks along. Bull crap. If I was six weeks along that means I found out I was pregnant in week three- which is unheard of because that's before the period is even expected. The tests I took were not early pregnancy tests, they were meant to be used after the first day of my missed period; and they were. I'm not dumb, I take birth control and I keep track of my cycle. So according to the doctors I'm about seven weeks now, but I swear I'm 8. I'm having some brown discharge, and stomach cramps: both are common around the 8th week when your body is usually on its cycle again. So I'm having period-like symptoms because technically I'm on my period right now if I wasn't pregnant. Which makes me 8 weeks.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I'm trying VERY hard not to be nervous or scared. :/ It's just so overwhelming. I'll blog again tomorrow after I know more. My first REAL ultrasound (with my husband present) will be on the 26th, and we're both pretty excited about it. :) Ok, I'm out.

Another baby post

Ok, so being pregnant actually kind of stinks! Symptoms galore! Good grief, who knew I would feel this tired, this sick, and this crappy ALL the time. And I'm only seven weeks along.
-Hungry every two hours or so
-Constantly thirsty!
-nausea (usually in the evening)
-migraine headaches
-constipation
-fatigue
and I can now add lower back pain to the list. I don't ever have back pain!
Ok, I'm no there to complain. Actually, yes, I kind of am. Anyway, last night Matt had his hand on my stomach and commented on how he thought it WAS getting bigger. :) It made me happy, he said he can tell a little bit of a difference. Now let me tell you, my husband probably knows my body better than I do, so I really believe it when he says this. He's also been a LOT more involved lately with everything, and I think he's actually starting to grasp the fact that we're parents. Of course that may be in part to him having to stop whatever we're doing so I can eat every two or three hours. I know its frustrating to him, and he doesn't understand why I just want to sleep and not move; but he's still being very supportive and loving. I mean it, I really do think he is the perfect man for me. He takes care of me.

Ok, I'm off to go watch TV and relax for a few minutes before Matt comes home. We have an open house tonight hosted by an upcoming photographer, her prices are really good and her work is great. I want her to do some pregnancy photos and birth photos after Baby is here. :)