I'm scared. All these emotions are drowning me, and I know its just in part to being pregnant and having my hormones adjusting. Matt won't be here for the last, and hardest, trimester. He won't be here for the birth, or for the first three months of parenthood. I have to do this on my own, this baby is really my responsibility. He won't be here to get up and feed in the middle of the night if I'm too tired, or take the baby from my arms when I feel like falling apart.
There are all these "what-ifs" that constantly run through my head, and my heart just can't take much more of it. I don't trust myself to do this. And I have to. I don't have a choice, this is my life, this is my future. I feel so unprepared, so helpless. What if our marriage isn't strong enough yet to withstand a child? What if something happens while he's deployed? Will the baby still recognize and take to him, even though he isn't there for the first three months? I don't want this baby to not have an attachment to its father, or to not know him.
I feel so fearful and weak today. I know that my strength should be in the Lord, because He will carry me through this. Its just easier to say than it is to really believe at this point. I want to, I want to be strong and have that unwavering faith, I just don't yet.
my dear amy,
ReplyDeleteAmyri and I were just talking about you and matt last night, and this incredibly journey you're about to start.
God's timing is perfect, as is His will. I know this is scary and new and nothing you've ever dealt with, but He has a perfect plan, and it includes this baby.
I love you, and I'm praying for you and matt.
If you ever need anything, please call me. I don't have many answers, but I do have two good ears. :]
love,
Katie